He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

There's a site I frequent called WrestleCrap that for 51 weeks out of the year is about moments in professional wrestling that are so bad, they're funny. Stupid stuff, like the Gobbledy-Gooker, The Handsome Stranger, a Turkey on a Pole match and everything Michael Cole. It's a lot of fun, so you should go check it out[ref]When you're done reading my site, smart guy. Close that other tab![/ref].

The other week, they review a non-wrestling related holiday item. It's usually some movie, old or new, that stinks of holiday cheer and talking animals and Santa. One year, though, it was something so nightmarishly awful it might be criminal to talk about it here.

Of course, we're going to do that anyway. In 1982, Mattel released a new line of action figures designed to compete with the increasingly popular Star Wars line from Kenner. They decided to create a new property, rather than license an existing one, similar to what Hasbro was doing with their GI-Joe line. Packaging the 6" toys with weapon accessories and a mini comic, the toys were a big hit with young boys. Add an animated television series to the mix in 1983, and Mattel had a hot franchise on their hands.

What Mattel had created was the Masters of the Universe line, also commonly known as He-Man. Set on the distant planet of Eternia, Masters of the Universe was the story of a a half-Eterian, half-Earthling man named Prince Adam. Using a magic sword given to him by the Sorceress, he would transform into He-Man, legendary warrior. Of course, all that really changed was his clothing and his voice deepened. He typically sounded like Matthew Broderick when he plays a wormy guy[ref]Bialystock and Bloom![/ref].

Men my age probably get a tinge of nostalgic bliss when they hear about He-Man. The animation didn't age well, but damn if it wasn't one of the best toylines of the time. Then things started getting weird. Mattel, not satisfied in already owning the little girl market with the Barbie line, decided to create a He-Man like character targeted at girls[ref]They still do this kind of crap today. As a popular Facebook share I saw today shows, unless it's used on your bits, toys shouldn't be gendered.[/ref]. Their incredibly creative name for the line? She-Ra.

Their plan was to have She-Ra exist in the same universe as He-Man. They'd be long lost siblings, reunited in 1985's The Secret of the Sword, introducing the character and setting up her backstory. The ensuing television series highlighted She-Ra and other strong female characters. Not bad for the mid-eighties.

What was bad was the turd I've been building up to talking about. I guess I shouldn't put it off any longer.

It seems that all major franchises that decade had to do some kind of Holiday Special. Even the California Raisins of the California Raisin Marketing Board commercials starred in a holiday special. We'll talk about them later.

Today, sadly, we're talking about He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special[ref]The creativity of Mattel and their animation cohorts at Filmation knew no bounds![/ref]. Of all the specials I've seen so far this year, this one was easily the worst. At least with Yogi I could come up with some goofy Patty Hearst jokes. This one just left me face palming for a a few hours.

I'll get one thing out of the way. He-Man and She-Ra seem really close for brother and sister. It's pretty creepy the way he looks at her sometimes. This is likely due to the limited animation, but it'll give you chills. Super chills.

I don't remember most of the plot of this thing, as it's mostly clouded by the terrible animation, the eight thousand characters, and this terrible song that I'm trying to repress. I'm pretty sure that everything starts when Orko, the floating magician thing, accidentally finds himself on Earth. There he encounters two children, who instead of running away from him, decide to tell him all about Christmas.

The only person on Eternia who knows about Christmas is He-Man's mom, Queen Marlena, because she's from Earth. How she got to Eternia and was able to pop out King Randor's twins is beyond me.

In any event, She-Ra has to go get some rock thing to bring Orko back. He-Man just stands around for most of the middle of the special. Can't sell the new toys if you don't use the new character.

While retrieving this rock, She-Ra encounters a "beast-monster." Yes, it was so nasty, they named it twice. After soundly defeating it, three transforming robots show up. After her talking horse[ref]Can't make a show for girls without a talking horse in the eighties![/ref] asks about them, she called them "evil."

The transforming robots are "evil." It seems Mattel was really worried about their latest competition from Hasbro, The Transformers toyline.

Orko makes it back to Eternia, but the dingbat ended up bringing the children with him. This pisses off Horde Prime, the arch villain introduced late in the series. He tasks Skeletor, a hybrid man-skeleton thing with just a skull for a head who is out to kill He-Man, and Hordak, who I really can't describe as more than She-Ra's Skeletor, to bring him the kids. These two hate each other and constantly seek praise from Horde- rime, so they bring out various henchmen to try to intercept the kids.

Skeletor has no muscles in his head, and yet his jaw moves when he speaks. I guess it would have been scarier for kids who know nothing of the skeleto-muscular system to have him talk without moving his mouth. As an adult, seeing that job bob up and down creeps me out to no end.

The plan is to send the kids back as soon as possible. Queen Marlena laments that they'll miss the Christmas party she was planning, but decided that because her twin children's birthday is near Christmas, she'll have a combined birthday and Christmas party. As someone whose birthday is near Christmas, and got a lot of combined gifts in this fashion, I just have to say "Sit on it, Queenie!"

I don't remember what happened next as I was pissed at a cartoon character. This is where that bad song was. I don't remember anything about it. My notes just say it's terrible, and I'm damn sure not going back to listen to it.

Somehow the kids ended up with Hordak and the transformers then took them, and some little robot things that were apparently nice because they didn't transform save them. Skeletor then takes the kids, but gets shot down by Hordak. Everyone survives, but now the kids are stuck in the cold with Skeletor.

This is where they ruin Skeletor forever.

The kids are so full of the Christmas spirit that Skeletor uses his magic to make them heavy winter coats to keep them warm. He laments about how good he feels, and that makes him feel terrible. Skeletor was full of holiday joy, and it was tearing his bony face apart.

They stopped making new He-Man shows after 1985. I think we know why.

He-Man and She-Ra catch up to the kids and the lame version of Skeletor. They have a chuckle and head to the party. The kids go home after a good time was had by all. The end, thankfully.

I watched this out of some hope that it would bring back good memories of childhood. All it did was make me hate everyone who ever worked for Filmation Studios ever.

WrestleCrap warned me, and I didn't take the hint. I guess this one's on me.