More news as the situation develops!

Finally, I pulled myself mostly out of my funk and started contemplating the best way to move forward. Yoga class was about to get significantly more expensive, regular gyms presented a similar problem, not to mention the fact that they both make me extremely self-conscious. For yoga class and the gym, I’d also have to haul around a lot more stuff than I really cared to, and there’s also the inevitable walk/ride home looking completely wrecked and covered in sweat. (I’m always ridiculously envious of those people who can look like they just came from a photo shoot right after class.)

I don’t recall how the idea first occurred to me, but I started considering buying a treadmill. Easier than yoga class, cheaper in the long run than paying for a gym membership, no worrying about following a class schedule or gym hours, and money saved on transportation as well. I immediately hit the internet to research my options, and after looking around a bit, I decided on the model I wanted. I placed the order and eagerly awaited its delivery, scheduled for Monday afternoon. “Hooray,” I think,”I’ll be able to set it up and work out when I get home from work tonight!”

Unbeknownst to me, the delivery company required that someone sign for the delivery, or you had to give them advance notice that you wouldn’t be there and leave a specific note on the door giving them permission to leave it when you weren’t home. Fantastic. They called me with this lovely information while I was at work, and I had to reschedule the delivery for tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon and give them all the express permissions mentioned above.

Hopefully, there will be no more snags and the thing will get delivered tomorrow while I’m at work. I chose a model that comes already assembled, so barring any unforeseen circumstances, I’ll be treadmilling tomorrow night. *crosses fingers* I’ll post pictures once I get it set up.

So in my apartment, behind my enormous chair, there’s a little alcove.  It happens to be a handy and somewhat out of sight place to store things like my yarn, fabric, sewing machine, etc., but because there’s a giant chair blocking my view, it turned into a chaotic dumping ground very quickly, as evidenced in the picture below.

In my infinite laziness, I kept putting off organizing my shenanigans until it reached epic (not really) proportions.  I was pretty fed up with it, so a few days ago, I started cruising the internet looking for storage options.  As much as I love the amazing doodads and organizational devices at The Container Store, I can’t afford to shop there (sigh), so I looked around a bit and settled on an industrial looking chrome wire storage rack with four shelves that I found on Amazon.com for $60.  Score!  And since I have Amazon Prime, I got free two-day shipping, so the shelves arrived in the mail today!

So I took everything out of the box and prepared to assemble.

So shiny!

And it went together in a snap!  See…

The picture is a little blurry, but you get the idea.  So once the shelving unit was assembled, I needed to clean out the alcove where it was destined to lived.  Not the most pleasant part of my evening, but not as bad as it could have been.  But seriously, it was a lot of stuff.  Look!

And here’s the empty alcove (before I swept it out, it still had some gross dead bugs and cobwebs).

Mmmm, lovely.  As I’m sure you can imagine, then I moved the shelving unit into the alcove and commenced sorting the massive quantity of stuff I’d shoved back there.  It really didn’t take as long as I thought it would.  The entire assembly, cleaning, and organizing process probably took me an hour and a half to an hour and forty-five minutes.  And here is the result!

Hooray for actually being productive on a Friday night and taking care of business!  I then virtuously watched some TV while I waited for my groceries to be delivered.  Next on the list of household chores:  taking out the trash and doing the dishes.  Riveting, I know.

My Wednesday night class is taught by a kind of new age-y psychology student who also happens to be named Julia, and hers was absolutely my favorite class until it changed from an hour and fifteen minutes to an hour and a half in length. There’s just something that happens to my body or mind (or both) in those extra fifteen minutes that sucks some of the fun out of it for me. I’m starting to lean towards my Thursday night class as my new favorite because although it’s a more advanced level, it’s only an hour long, and I feel like the teacher’s style meshes more with mine.

I found out yesterday that my yoga studio is looking for people to do “work study” for them, and before I even had a chance to go check out the requirements on the website, one of the owners asked me if I’d be interested in it since she thought I’d be great at it. If you hadn’t already guessed, the deal is that you work the front desk a certain number of hours in exchange for free yoga classes. I’d totally be up for it, so I hope my schedule is compatible with their needs. Lord knows I could use some more worthwhile discounted/free things in my life.

Anyway, yoga classes are definitely helping be in better shape than I was before, even if the results aren’t as stunning as I’d hoped they would be. If I could lady up and start eating better, I’m sure that would help. An unexpected benefit of the yoga classes is that my depression has been much better since I started. Whether that’s because of my physical improvements or the general yoga mindset that we learn in class, it’s helping me be happier than I have been these past couple of years. But that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

As much as I’m enjoying yoga classes, though, I do want to mix it up sometimes, so I just bought a Groupon deal for thrity classes with MetaBody, which I thought was just a chain of gyms at first, but have since found out is a whole fitness/weight loss system. For $20, I got the 30-class pass, a nutrition guide, a weight loss preparation booklet of some sort (still not exactly clear on what that is), and a $100 gift certificate for individual coaching. Sounds like a smashing deal, and I can’t wait to try out some new kinds of classes!

And while I know roller derby isn’t technically considered exercise, I’ve been considering joining one of the roller derby teams here in DC. I’m pretty sure I’ll need to brush up on my skating skills before any of that can happen, which led me to wonder, “Are there any skating rinks in DC, and if so, where the hell are they,” which I havn’t had time to answer yet. If anyone out there knows, give me a shout in the comments.

Things I Did:
- Got my third-year internship in the PR/Marketing department of the Shakespeare Theatre Company
- Basically became the publicist when two of my immediate supervisors left for other jobs
- Wrote my thesis about the use of social media by non-profit arts organizations (while doing the work of three people, job hunting, and apartment hunting).  It turned out to be 40 pages!
- Presented my thesis and graduated with my MFA in performing arts management (!!!)
- Got a job as the Program Coordinator for STC’s Academy for Classical Acting (a one-year MFA in classical acting)
- Found an affordable apartment, with all the amenities I wanted AND actually in DC, and moved in
- Bought my first couch, bed, and other assorted furniture
- Started repaying my student loans
- Decided to live without a car for the first time since I was 16-years-old

Things Still To Be Done:
- Choose my health insurance plan through work (my first non-parent, non-school provided insurance!)
- Set up my 403(b) and retirement contribution plan
- Register to vote in DC
- Get a DC driver’s license with my current address
- Renew my passport

Clearly, these are just short-term goals to be taken care of within the next month.  My long-term goals are for another post entirely.  I’ll try to do better about writing more often now that I’m finally done with school and will (hopefully) have more leisure time.  Come visit me and join in my DC adventures!

When the two of them don’t pick up their phones at 11 p.m., I have no one else to call.  She’s popular, he’s sweet, and I’m invisible.  I don’t get invited to parties, and I don’t like going to smoke-filled bars, so where does that leave a sad girl on a Saturday night?  In a moment of weakness, I almost called the strange, practically asexual bloke who doesn’t care about me.  I picked up my phone and stared at it for quite a while before I firmly decided not to call him.  If I never suggested hanging out together, it would never happen.  He’s a wreck of a human being sometimes, but he was my only other option tonight.  I was smart enough not to take it, but I’m sad enough to almost regret not taking it.

Why do I have to be so sad about such foolishness?  I’m still awake at 6 a.m., wishing I could drown in my own despair just to escape from it.  No.  Just wishing I didn’t have to feel it anymore.  But I’m keeping both of the promises I made to myself.

It’s too late/early to call anybody.  I’ll continue to quietly disintegrate in my apartment until somebody calls me back or I have to go to class again.  I shouldn’t have watched “Closer” tonight.  It just made me more depressed, and I knew it would, but I’ve been thinking about it for days, and I couldn’t resist watching it instead of doing homework.  Even if I could call someone right now, I probably wouldn’t.  To whom among them could I show this face?  I remain an island in the sea of my grief…

“Andrew:  What do they do to you?
Allison:  They ignore me.”

God, can I die yet?

Barcelona where the winds all blew
And the churches don’t have windows but the graveyards do
Me and my shadow are wrestling again
Look out stranger, there’s a dark cloud moving in
But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I’m afraid I am alone
Won’t somebody please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Fly, let me fly, let me fly
Super paranoid, I’m blending, I’m blurring, I’m bleeding into the scenery
Loving someone else is always so much easier
But I hold my self hostage in the morror
But If you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I’m tired of feeling this way
God, won’t you please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Let me fly, let me fly
I won’t be held down, I wont be held back
I will lead with my faith
The red light had been following me
But don’t worry mother
It’s no longer my gravity
hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me fly, let me fly, let me fly

“Fat Boy”

Fat boy goes to the pool
See his reflection, doesn’t know what to do
He feels little inside and filled with pride
Oh, fragile flame
No one sees the same
fat boy goes about his day
Trying to think of funny things to say
Like, “This is just a game I play”
And “I like me this way”
Oh, fragile flame
When no one feels the same
Hush, sleep, don’t think, just eat
You daddy’s little boy
You mama’s pride and joy
You know they love ya
But not because they hold ya
Fat boy says “Wouldn’t it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind”
Oh, fragile flame
Sometimes I feel the same

 Friday = too scandalous.  I can’t even tell you what happened, so don’t even ask.

Dave’s Sweeney Todd party was last night, and I must say it was pretty awesome.  I was glad to finally see the show, and there was lots of free booze, dancing and air guitar, and good conversation around the fire pit.  Dave’s house is the perfect party venue.

I drove to Shelby today to see the show that Mom and Steve were in, namely Johnny Guitar.  The show was good, and I had no idea my brother could sing that high, considering he’s a bass.  I got roped into helping with strike since I managed to show up for the closing performance, and afterwards a bunch of us went out to dinner at this little Mexican restaurant in town.  My friend Justin, who I hadn’t seen in years, happened to be playing guitar in the show band, and we caught up a bit over dinner.  The last time we hung out properly was during middle school, and lord knows a bunch of shit has happened to both of us since then.

Tomorrow = “V for Vendetta” night with Mr. Gearhart and Ms. Schaller.  Should be pretty fabulous…

 After I dropped the girls off at their cars, I headed over to my other friend’s apartment to watch a movie with him.  I didn’t know if it was going to be awkward or not after what had happened between us previously, but we had a couple of drinks and just chilled and everything was fine.  He made my drinks for me and let me sit in the comfortable chair, bringing in a chair for himself from the kitchen, so that was sweet of him.  And we finally hugged again for the first time since the awkwardness started a week or so ago.  I was starting to wonder if he was actively avoiding touching me, which would have made me sad, but that has been laid to rest.  My new approach is to stay calm, not get my hopes up, and slowly see if things go anywhere.  They probably won’t, but if all it ends up being between us is cuddling on the couch with some drinks and movies, I think I can be okay with that.  I’m trying to get better at being patient and not seeing a potential boyfriend where none exists.  I do get a bit carried away in my imagination sometimes, but I’m improving.

 Anyway, I felt good about life when I left his apartment last night, and I still felt good when I got up today, so after I lazed about for a little while, I decided to go to the mall.  I was on a mission to get some new jeans and at least some portion of my Halloween costume.  Not only did I get a new pair of jeans, I also got several cute tops and everything I’ll need to complete my costume:  some bad-ass shoes, a pattern for my skirt, a cute white shirt and jacket, and my wings and halo, which no self-respecting angel should be without.  When I was trying on clothes, I actually felt pretty hot, which is incredible for me.  I still noticed the flaws, but being able to pick things out that aren’t the biggest size in the store, and trying them on and having them look great on me was so fantastic.  I can’t even explain to you how good it made me feel to not leave the dressing room frustrated.  For a little while, I felt almost so close to bombshell that I could touch it.

And I can’t wait to bust out this Halloween costume!  I’m going to start work on the skirt tomorrow, but I don’t think it should take too long.  I made sure to get a pattern that didn’t require a zipper in order to expedite the construction.  Plus I just don’t like to put in zippers.  I might actually start cutting things out tonight if the spirit moves me.  I probably should do some homework though.  I was going to make an entire dress in the style of Donna Reed, but I decided to see if I could find any prefab pieces, and I found the top half, so I decided to just make a skirt in the interest of time and my sanity.

 This term is absolutely flying by, and I’m trying to buckle down and start looking for third-year internships.  I did my first official online search for jobs yesterday, and I think I’d like to head for either Philadelphia or Washington DC.  Baltimore is a strong possibility as well, and if TCG decides to give Phil Matthews a full-time Communications associate, I would probably move to NYC for that.  Lauren Gamber also showed me a job listings website I’d never seen before, and it looks pretty fantastic.  The search continues…

 I’m starting to kind of spaz about looking for my third-year internship.  That hanging over my head, along with my several interesting/demanding Development projects, regular classwork, and my unflushable ex-boyfriend, is probably not helping my stress level.  And I’m sure the several recent instances of gunfire in my neighborhood aren’t helping either.  I’m fed up with this apartment and this roommate, and I feel like I’m really ready to have a job and a real home again.  I know this apartment is only temporary.  I didn’t really decorate it that much, knowing I’d just have to undo it all when I moved out, and too busy with school to give much of a damn most of the time.  Now, it just seems plain and a little cold.  I’m ready to really be an adult and do it right, hopefully for the last time in at least a decade.  I’m tired of schlepping all my stuff around and having to keep possessions an my parents’ houses because I don’t have room for them in my apartment or the inclination to move them in when I know I’ll just have to move them out again too soon.  Let me be an adult already.

My future is wide open, and it’s slightly paralyzing.  I’m always afraid of making the wrong choice.

But this made me happy…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQJD1ura7G4

We relaxed.  I cooked and you made drinks, and it was all very domestic and civilized.  We watched DVDs and crept closer together with every casual shift of position.  We snuggled, sinking comfortably into each other.  I wrapped my arms around you as we stood in the kitchen, my fingers laced behind your neck as I looked into your eyes.  And you leaned in and kissed me.  My heart was pounding.

And so began the gorgeous making out that I wanted to never end.  The way you ran your hands over my body, through my hair, the way you held me to you and kissed me, it was as if you had read my mind.  Sheer perfection.  I get turned on now just thinking about it.  You were assertive and sexy, taking me to bed and undressing me in the velvet dark, my skin on fire.  Your body felt delicious, and we sank into your soft bed.  God.

Later we slept.  I wore your clothes to bed.  When the morning sunlight filtered in and woke me, I smiled to myself.  I hadn’t imagined it all.  I closed my eyes and drifted in semi-consciousness, snuggling up to you in the warm softness of the morning.  Soon you woke, and we lay wrapped in each other’s arms, talking and laughing.  We kissed sweetly.

Reluctantly dragging ourselves from bed, you made us omelettes for breakfast.  We ate and watched the remaining DVDs we had abandoned the night before.  We examined the outrageously conspicuous purple hickey you had inadvertently given me, and I was secretly pleased to have physical evidence of our liaison.  We talked about serious things and the future.  Eventually, you walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.  I was floating.  Over the days to come, I would replay the night in my mind, relishing every touch.

The thrilling affection, wearing your clothes to bed, waking up and lounging in each other’s arms, you cooking me breakfast, it all reminded me of being in a relationship.  It was almost like having a boyfriend and being loved again.  I missed it so much, still miss it.  It felt so incredible that even though we planned to keep it more casual, my imagination ran away with me, and I daydreamed about the possibilities.  How could I know that the one beautiful night and morning would be the only one?  I was too hopeful.

When you said you didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, my instinctive first thought was, “What’s wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong?”  I began my spiral down into an irrational quagmire of depression, second-guessing, and bad self-esteem.  One night I cried so hard and for so long I thought I was going to vomit.

But really, it isn’t your fault.  You only accidentally pointed me down a path I’ve walked so many times before that I know it intimately.  Everything around me conspired to form the perfect storm of angst.

It seems as though all of my friends are getting married or are in serious relationships.  My roommate also happens to be my ex-boyfriend who obliviously showers affection on his new girlfriend right in front of me.  I feel so alone that my irrational emotion takes over, telling me there must be something wrong with me if nobody wants me, which they clearly don’t.  I know these things are horribly irrational and false even as I’m thinking them, but that doesn’t keep the thoughts from slicing into my heart.  The negative feedback loop is established.

My friends hug me and listen to me vent my frustration and despair.  They hold me and reassure me.  They tell me how incredible I am and that any man who doesn’t love me is either an idiot or insane.  My friends are so good to me, and I love them.  They hold me when I can’t hold myself together.

But my crazy train has jumped the tracks.  I am stuck in my depression feedback loop that refuses to be denied.  My chest literally aches with the depth of my loneliness and sadness, but I don’t blame you.  You just happened to be the final ingredient of the latest perfect storm.  *sigh*

Even though you will never want to date me, even though you need lots of alone time and think you will irreparably ruin every relationship, even though you talk a lot and say things that piss people off, I still would make a go of it.  I guess it’s ingrained in my nature to try to fix things, and I hate to give up.  I’ve always thought that if two people like each other, it’s worth giving it a shot no matter how much time they’ll have together or how worried they are that it might end badly.  Having something good for a little while makes more sense to me than never having it at all.  Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, and so forth.

I’m not kidding myself into thinking you and I would last forever.  I just like you, and I thought that you liked me and we could share something fun and interesting for a little while.  Maybe I’m too much of a romantic…

 And here comes the drama…

I didn’t realize that I needed to inform my bank that I’d be using my debit card in another area, so after a couple of weeks up here, my debit card stopped working.  The bank had cancelled it, thinking it was stolen, and were sending me a new one, and thanks to the bank’s mail-forwarding policies, I got it about a month later.  At the same time, someone also tried to cash one of those checks the credit card company sends you every so often.  After telling the credit card company that I did NOT authorise a $2,500 check on my account, they told me I had to replace my credit card AGAIN!  I now have my fourth Capitol One card in three months, and it took them about a month to finally get it to me because whichever customer service person filed my Lost or Stolen report didn’t actually send my new card, which I found out three weeks later when I called to see why my card hadn’t arrived yet.  Thankfully, all of that bullshit is taken care of, and both new cards are safely in my possession, but before they got here, I was living off of loans from my aunt and uncle that I paid back as I got my TCG paychecks.  They’re on a Scandinavian cruise right now, about to come back after two and a half weeks, and before they left, they gave me my cousins’ numbers just in case I needed more money while they were gone.  It didn’t come to that, at any rate.

Pretty bad, you say.  But wait, there’s more…

My roommate Raquel said she was sending me a money order to cover her half of the bills and a little back money she owed me when her bank account was “frozen”.  After waiting for it for over three weeks, with several phone calls and such between us, I called her around the end of June to see how she was and let her know about some new bills I had paid and what her share was.  To my great surprise and alarm, her cell phone had been cut off.  This was the only way I had to contact her as we don’t have a land-line at the apartment and I don’t have her e-mail address, relatives’ contact info, etc.  Not fabulously smart on my part, I know, but too late for that.  Not only couldn’t I contact her about the money she owed me for bills, but when I spoke to the real estate company, I found out she hadn’t paid any rent since I left at the end of May.

I proceeded to enlist the help of Wade, one of the only people I knew who was in town during the summer, to go check out the apartment to make sure everything was OK there.  He said everything was still there and intact, and he left a note for Raquel on my behalf, giving her a Friday the 13th deadline to contact me before I took action.  Promptly on the 13th, who did I hear from but Raquel’s “sister” Ashanti, who claimed that Raquel had gotten involved in some sort of fight where shots were fired and somebody got killed.  She told me that they didn’t know when Raquel would be “back”, so the sister would come over and pick up Raquel’s things from the apartment if someone could let her in.  I told her I’d call a friend to let her in, and she gave me a callback number.

 Ok, I think to myself.  I called Wade, who dropped the work he was doing to run to the real estate office and get the key.  Another surprise:  the phone number was wrong.  Wade and I both called several times, but nobody ever picked up, and there was no answering machine.  Go fucking figure.  Wade went over to the apartment anyway to check on it for me, and what do you know, Raquel walks in about twenty minutes later.  She was just stopping by to pick up some things before her drive to Atlanta that night, and said she’d been in New Jersey for a while and had lost her phone.  Wade asked her about the rent and the phone call from Ashanti; she claimed she had given money to her sister to pay the rent when she was out of town, and that she didn’t know who the phone call was from, but it wasn’t her sister.  Wade gave her my cell number again, and asked her for a contact number in Atlanta, which I imagine she gave him reluctantly.  The only reason he didn’t have her call me from his phone was that my phone had died on the commute home, and he had to wait for me to call him back.

So I called her friend’s number a little after the time she said she’d be there… and she wasn’t there.  I called two more times at roughly 45-minute intervals, and she STILL wasn’t there.  Finally, she called me at about 1am.  She gave me all the same mess she had told Wade, and I asked her why she hadn’t just given the money to the real estate company up front instead of to her sister.  She had no answer for that.  She claimed her sister had sent money orders to the real estate company, but either they were mis-labeled, mis-handled, etc. or they never existed in the first place, which seems more likely to me.  I asked her when she would be back in Winston, and she said the 18th, so I gave her until the 25th to be out of the apartment.  Wade’s down there keeping an eye on the place until I can change the locks, and he’ll be moving back in with me once she’s gone.  Is that wise, you ask?  He and I are friends now, strictly platonic, and it will only be for nine or ten months anyway, so I’m not terribly fussed about it.

Really, I won’t rest completely easily until she’s out and the locks are changed, but that’s only a little over a week away, and Wade’s holding down the fort for me, so that makes me feel a little better.

 So commuting and working my internship really have been the easiest part of my life right now.

Today was my first day on the job in NYC, so I woke up at 6:30am in order to walk to the train station (1.8 miles away) to catch my 45-minute train ride into the city.  Luckily, Penn Station is about four blocks from my office, so that walk was the easiest part of my commute.  In a state of complete sensory and information overload, I somehow managed to write a press release about the 2007 TCG Awards and study all the literature my boss Phil gave me about Free Night of Theater.  I’m going to be the FNOT point person while we’re at National Conference in Minneapolis, and I have about a week to thoroughly learn everything so I can speak intelligently and answer questions about it.  Tomorrow, I think I’m doing some research for a press conference, so that ought to be interesting, and I’m also going to get my picture taken for my building ID card that doubles as a passkey.  Am I silly for thinking that’s exciting?  Security passkeys always make me feel like I’m involved in some sort of espionage or top secret research.

 I’m also trying to write my final paper for Public Relations class, which is due by 10am on Friday.  I’ve started it, but it’s going veeeeery sloooooowly.  Who wants to write 6-8 pages on what they think about audience development?  Certainly not me.  I’ll work on it tomorrow night after I get home.  Today my brain has been inundated with so much information that I’ve just about run out of juice.

 Pro:  walking to and from the station every day is a good workout

Con:  I end up still being kind of sweaty when I get to work, and at the end of the day I have to walk uphill after I’m already pretty tired.

I’m just glad I successfully made my train transfer, and that my co-workers are all really nice.

It got me started down a mental path I know deeply in my heart.  How do others see me?  Is it all about some first impression where I tend to try too hard and potentially kill any blossoming interest?  Do they think about me at all when we’re apart?  How much of me do they really see?  Where do I fit into this world?

A girl could go crazy thinking about these things.  Maybe it’s being around all this Romeo & Juliet.  The language has insinuated itself in my subconscious.  Tragic love  *sigh*

So I’m tired and pissed off at 8am.  I come home, do a little bit of homework, then fall asleep at noon and don’t wake up until 7:45pm.  Oops.  When I check my e-mail, I see two all-school mailings, one anouncing the lock-down of the entire campus, and the other a couple hours later opening it back up again.  Apparently, the power outage was a subterfuge to get students out of that area of campus because of a nearby POLICE ACTION!  Local, state, and campus police, in cooperation with the FBI were busting somebody and/or executing a search warrant REALLY close to campus.  Not really too surprising considering the ghetto projects about 100 yards from campus.

Anyway, I also had an e-mail from my stage manager informing everyone involved with the show that since today’s 10am performance had been cancelled, we would now be adding one on Thursday.  Balls, I say to myself.  Now we have two shows on Thursday, and I am missing an entire week’s worth of Accounting class.  Not that Accounting is a laugh riot by any means, but missing an entire week of anything in grad school can set you back pretty far.  Of course, classes were cancelled today, so I’m really only missing one class, but I’m still irritated about it.  My sleep schedule is royally fucked up since I slept away the middle of my day, and I’ve decided to stay up all night to reset myself.  I’m going to need some help staying awake after the show tomorrow so I won’t be crazy tired all week.  Any takers?  I’m told that I’m very entertaining when I’m disastrously tired.

I did all my homework, so I’m going to kick back with some NPR podcasts and probably some coffee as the morning wears on.  Feel free to give me a call or come see me if you know how to find me.

One of the things I’m looking forward to the most, other than the kick-ass job experience, is hanging out in Manhattan and soaking up some culture.  Hopefully I’ll have enough disposable income to go to some museums and a show or two while I’m up there, and I’d love to just go sit in Washington Square Park and read a book or people watch.  Tom, remember that crazy little restaurant we went to in the village that had a horror movie theme?  I hope that’s still there.

You guys should come visit me up there…

Romeo & Juliet opened on Thursday, and I’ve been running the show, doing quick changes for two of the 19-year-olds in the cast.  They entertain the hell out of me backstage, but they’re 19 for god’s sake!  Am I getting old?  I’ll be glad when the show is finished and I’ll have what I call my life back.  I have a bit more time now that I don’t have to go to rehearsals all day, but running the show still takes a big chunk out of my homework time.  I’ve been eating complete junk during this whole thing too, but somehow I haven’t gained back any of the weight.  Bonus.

In other news, I FINALLY FOUND A ROOMMATE!!!  And no need to hold your breath because she moved in last week, furniture and all.  Her name is Raquel, and she’s a 20-year-old sophomore at WSSU majoring in Mass Communications.  She’s responsible, clean, and we get along really well so far.  She’s skinny, but she has some really cool shoes that I can borrow, so we’ll let it slide…

Also, I had a “date” about two weeks ago with the guy in massage therapy school who had been interested in my apartement.  He’s 6’2″ with long blond hair and green eyes (and is a great kisser besides), but he hasn’t called me AT ALL since then.  He even left half a bottle of Crown and a DVD at my place.  Still haven’t heard from him!  And I sent him a kind of bad text message two nights ago when I was drunk, so I think I’ve effectively ended whatever might have become of that relationship.  I’m not even one of those girls who drunk dials.  What is happening to me???  I’m even starting to consider replying to craigslist personal ads.  *sigh*

Did I tell you guys about my internship with TCG this summer?  I can’t remember.  If I didn’t, I will later.

Less than a month until my birthday!  The official countdown has begun.  25 days until my 24th birthday!!!

Time to feed myself before the show, followed by the hell that is Photo Call……….

 And although I’m psyched that this term is over and about my trip, I’m ticked off about tonight.  Everyone from class was planning on going out capital-D Drinking, but they all went home by 10:30pm, and I wanted to party and get some damn attention.  It’s not that I’m stunningly beautiful or anything, but I know I’m cute, and I wore a low-cut shirt tonight.  I could not have felt more invisible in the damn place.  What is with guys?!?!?  I’m an awesome chick, and sometimes a girl just needs to get drunk and make out, or at least have somebody buy her a drink.  Is a drink too much to ask these days?  Sorry.  I know I’m ranting, but I lost fucking 65 pounds since I graduated from college, and this getting no attention is killing me.

*garbled expletive*  I’m lonely.  I just want to feel like an attractive girl for a while…..

 Damn it.  Guys suck.

In other news, I had my phone interview with TCG today, and it went really well.  They’ll decide who they’re hiring by the beginning of April, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Pilates and I are kicking each other’s asses, and I can tell I’m starting to get more toned and incrementally smaller.  I just need to stay on top of the food situation.  I’ve been going out to eat with the peeps and going out for drinks more often than I should, but I’m being good the rest of the time, so hopefully it balances out.  I’m working on it.

 Now I’m going to collapse from lack of sleep…….

 Finals might not kill me, but they’re sure taking a chunk out of my spirit.  Still left to complete:

- Development project (foundation grant proposal, special event description, and class presentation)

- Marketing project (organizational positioning strategy, promotional materials package, summary statement)

- the second half of my film class final exam

- the Accounting final exam that will be handed out on Tuesday

*sigh*

Vanessa got a really good job offer over Christmas break and decided she was dropping out of school to work in Philadelphia, so she gave me her share of January’s rent as an apology for the short notice, and I’ve been living by myself.  Just when I thought there couldn’t be anymore shit…  But of course there could be.  After sifting through all the offers from middle aged men, criminals, and crazy people, I FINALLY *crosses all her fingers and toes* found a roommate.  His name is Kamal, and he’s a laid back, 29-year-old DJ around Winston-Salem and Greensboro.  The real estate company is running his background check right now, so unless they turn something up (which he says they won’t), I’ll have a new roomie as of April.  Thank you Rent.com.

And speaking of things I’ve accomplished, I made A’s on all my midterms, completed and mailed all my summer internship applications, did my taxes, and filed my renewal FAFSA online, so those are a several fewer things I have to stress about.  I’m applying for internships at Steppenwolf in Chicago, at Glimmerglass Opera in Cooperstown, NY, at the Kenndey Center and Arena Stage in Washington D.C., and at TCG (Theatre Communications Group to you) in NYC.  Fingers crossed that I get and intership with housing and a stipend.  Finals are coming up next week, so the crunch is officially on, but I’m feeling pretty alright about it.  We’ll see how I feel about it next week…

No activity on the dating front, but that’s not very surprising considering how much time I spend doing school things and how little I like going to bars to meet people.  I don’t think you typically meet the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with at a bar, plus they’re usually filled with smoke around here, and I hate that.  Still looking, but after the way things fell apart last time, I’m not chomping at the bit to get back into a serious relationship just yet.  Sometimes you just want to make out or have someone to lean against when you watch TV.  I don’t know if I have enough energy for school and a relationship right now anyway.  This cute 21-year-old with washboard abs thinks I’m smoking hot, but he lives in Atlanta, so oh well.

In better news, I lost fifteen of the twenty or so pounds I gained last term when I was so spazzed out.  My Accounting teacher Dave is my weight loss cheerleader, and he and I are helping keep each other on track.  He might have a leg up on me by having a personal trainer, but I’ve been more disciplined about watching my food intake, so I’m doing better than he is so far.  I’ve been working out pretty much every day, and I can feel my body getting stronger and firmer.  Pilates is my friend.

I’m accomplishing so much, and I’m making really positive progress in lots of ways, but lately I’ve felt kind of lost.  It’s like I’m in a boat just drifting along, waiting for some sign that I know where I am or how to get where I want to be.  It’s not depression because I’m not really sad, I just feel like I’m waiting for something to happen to give me a shove in the (hopefully) right direction.  Life is so full of waiting, and although I’m really busy, sometimes I feel like nothing is happening.  I contemplate these things and feed my addiction to knitting, hoping to stumble on some magnificent answer, and making nice scarves and blankets in the meantime.  Maybe I need them to reassure myself that the world is moving forward and I’m doing something tangible.  Is this what real life feels like?

So here’s the big news:  Wade and I broke up.  I found out he cheated on me when he was at a camp out, on our nine-month anniversary no less, and what’s even worse is that he was never going to tell me.  I found out on my own completely accidentally a WEEK after it happened!  Another kicker, he was drunk and can’t remember if he used protection or not, and he and I had sex after he got back and before I found out, so I need to get tested for STDs again.  He cheated on me on Sunday, Oct. 22nd, I found out the following Friday, and we officially broke up on Monday the 30th after he was out of town for Halloween parties all weekend.  He’s started looking for an apartment, but he got a 2-week work call the day after we broke up, so he’s been out of town (mostly) and unable to access the internet to continue his search.  I gave him the move-out deadline of Thanksgiving, which should be plenty of time for him to get his shit together.

It was my decision to break it off.  He wanted to stay together and work it out, but I just have too much shit to deal with right now to act like his mom half the time, and honestly, he’s too immature for me.  Adults show up on time, or at least call when they’re going to be late.  Adults remember to lock all the locks on the door, and more importantly, they understand why it’s imperative to do that when you live in the city.  There are so many incidents I could cite here, but I’ll spare you that for the moment.  I’m honestly kind of relieved it’s over.  Even before Wade’s transgression, I was starting to wonder if I really loved him or was just staying in the relationship because it was comfortable and convenient.  He helped me make a decision before we got way too far into it, so that’s a mercy I guess.

My classmate Vanessa is moving in with me after Wade is out, so I won’t get kicked out of my apartment or anything like that.  She’s been commuting to school an hour each way every day, which she is understandably tired of doing.  Thank god for my grad school friends or I would be in sorry shape right now.  They’ve been so protective of me throughout this whole thing, and they took care of me when I needed to not be alone with my thoughts.  I’ll be sad for a while, but I have school to keep me busy (to the extreme), and I already feel a little better about everything.  *weary sigh*  If there was one time I needed everything else in my life to be hassle free, this was it.  Wade was my most outwardly non-dysfunctional boyfriend out of the bunch, so at least they’re getting (sort of) better.

Enough.  I have to go to bed….. or at least do some more homework until I’m sleepy.  I took an accidental nap for a couple of hours this afternoon after I’d completed a good chunk of homework.  I’ve done all my homework through Thursday except reading a chapter in Accounting and the Computer Applications assignment the teacher hasn’t posted to the class website yet.  Despite all my bitching about homework, there’s really nothing else I’d rather be doing with my life at this point than graduate school, and it’s going really well.  I’ve just got to make it to Thanksgiving…

Wade’s parents are throwing a monkey wrench in the washer/dryer situation.  Since they bought the pair in the first place, I suppose they have the right, but it’s still REALLY irritating.  They won’t let us have the dryer at all, claiming that they still use it themselves although they live in a different house.  Whatever.  And first they said they had to think about letting us take the washer, but then they decided not to let us take it.  They made some sorry excuse about what if he came back and wanted to use them.  Like he wouldn’t bring enough clothes to wear for the amount of days he was visiting.  And even if he did want to do laundry while visiting, he could always go to their house and do it, or one of my parents’ houses.  It’s not like nobody we know in Shelby has a washer and dryer.  I suspect his mom just wants him to come back and live at home.  Cut the cord, woman, cut the cord.  Anyway, we’re probably going to buy a used washer and dryer from this store in town and Wade will do any necessary fixing up.  This whole situation has really irritated me to no end.

Wade got a contract setting up a new store in Florida, so he’ll be doing that for the next month.  Home on weekends, so that’s better than just not seeing him for a month.  We don’t get to spend a lot of time together anyway because of him being on graveyard shift schedule.  I’m sure it will work out fine.  He’s on the phone ordering new checks right now and attempting to find out if he can wire me money for the rent that we need to pay this week.

More as the story unfolds…

In other news, I GOT A NEW LAPTOP!!!!!!  I’m sure some will disapprove of my selection, but I researched and found a computer that really fits my needs, so people who want to rain on my parade can bugger off!  One of the best things is that it weighs about five pounds, so much easier to carry around, which I have to do for Computer Applications class twice a week.  The new laptop hard drive is 40GB bigger than my old one too, while the whole thing is smaller and sexier in general.  I’ve pretty much installed/downloaded all the software I had on the old one, and Dad is mailing me the several pieces of software I left at his house, so I should be set by the end of the week.  Oh, I just remembered that I still need to download Gaim.  I also should probably be trying to knock out some of my Intro to Arts Mgmt. reading.  Blah!  So many articles….

I’ll give you guys an update on the remaining classes and try to be more regular with my posts once I get settled into my schedule a little bit more.  Later.

On Saturday, the second-year grad students in my department are throwing a cook out at one of their houses.  They e-mailed a sign-up sheet around so people wouldn’t only bring dessert or drinks.  We’re allowed to bring significant others, so Wade is coming with me.  I signed up to bring plates and napkins, and we’re also going to bring leftover meatballs from the reunion.  Speaking of food, I am famished, so I’ll update more later.

Wade went to this drum circle thing in Davidson tonight, and tomorrow we’re going to his family reunion in Asheville.  I’m excited to meet anyone in his fmaily besides his Mom.  After that, we’re finally going to take the last carload full of clothes and toiletries up there and stay for good…  Or at least until we can get his washer and dryer up there.  He had trouble getting his washer out from it’s spot, and I don’t know exactly why, but it’s still exactly where it used to be.  Dad thought we should just buy a new washer and dryer, and I’m inclined to agree with him since Wade’s washer and dryer are old as fuck and in less than great condition.  I’ll have to run the idea by him, as he’s the one who’d be shelling out the money for them.  I suppose I could always take some more money out of my IRA to help pay for them, but I’d rather not have to if he’s willing to buy them himself.  My money situation is already tight.

Anyway, I’m going to have some ice cream, watch some tv, play Insaniquarium a bit, and maybe start reading The Fountainhead again.  Catch you guys later.

I started exercising again today.  Signed up for one of the goals on Self.com again.  It will be a little bit easier thanks to the free gym at school.

Yesterday, Mom and I looked through the myriad of boxes in my old closet at her house and sorted out things I want, things to sell, and trash.  I might use the boxes that are now empty for the move.  I’m glad Mom is lending her van to the moving effort since we decided not to rent a big truck.  I just hope my sofa and chair (and bed) can fit in Wade’s parents’ trailer and truck.  I can’t wait to get down there.

Getting my school health form filled out has proved more difficult than I originally imagined.  I’ve been going to the local health department for my medical needs because I don’t have health insurance right now, so I took my form to them.  I had previously signed a release form giving my consent for them to get my immunization records from my old doctor’s office, so I figured they’d still have all the info.  Apparently not.  I signed another release form so they could get the immunization info again, but they said my old doctor’s office told them they didn’t have my immunization records anymore.  This irritated me greatly because there had already been some delays in getting the paperwork done, had to get a TB test as it happens, but I took the forms back from them and set off to find out where I could get my immunization records.  It turns out the office DOES have my immunization records, so I guess the health department either didn’t ask the right questions, or they’re on crack.  Whatever.  I dropped my form off there and they’re taking care of it.  Finally.

My brother just started his first week of college, although it’s community college, so it’s not really the same experience I had.  I also found out that my sister Molly and her husband and kids are moving to Tanzania.  Tanzania!  I have no idea why yet, but it probably has something to do with her work with women’s reproductive health rights.  Something like that.  She explained her job to me one time, and I understood it at the time, but I’ve since forgotten the salient details.  Oh well.  I wonder how her kids will do over there.  My nephew Miles is allergic to many kinds of animals and nuts and who knows what else.  He’s only four, but he’s turning into quite the hypochondriac.  I hope his situation improves as he gets older.  We’ll see I guess.

My step-father is still crazy and won’t take his anti-depressants, so my mom’s having a hell of a time with him.  On top of their pre-existing issues, he got fired on Monday, so that’s fantastic.  I can’t believe my mom didn’t kick him out a long time ago.  She’s a little crazy too.

Life goes on……..

Another thing I did after we got home was sit down and tally up all of my impending expenses, breaking it down monthly and yearly.  The school website’s yearly estimate wasn’t too far off, to my mild chagrin, so we’ll see where I stand financially once school sends me my finaid info.  At first, I was really worried about having to get a student loan, but now I’ve made a kind of peace with it.  I just hope I can get a loan for enough.  I’m sure I’ll be able to scrape by.

Feeling pretty good.  Let’s hope it holds up once I get my financial aid letter…

GRADUATE SCHOOL!!!!!!

Thank god cause it really fucking sucked for a while there…

Now that the big news is out of the way, here’s some of the other stuff that’s been happening. It was Wade’s birthday on the 27th, and I got him a wine rack and made him a scarf and some cookies. He loved all of it, and we had a great weekend together. On Friday, we planned to meet one of our friends at Books-A-Million, but ended up getting there after she had to leave. While we were there, I did see a friend from community theatre that I hadn’t seen for at least five years, and we caught up a little bit. Then Wade and I went to see the new X-men movie, which we enjoyed a lot, and when it was over, we surprisingly ran into a few friends of mine from high school in the parking lot. My friend Treka, who’s a year younger than I am, is pregnant and about three weeks away from her due date, which is just incredible to me. Her brother Phillip, who’s a year older than my brother, was there too, and all four of us were in Chamber choir in high school, although not all at the same time. Anyway, I saw them and my friend Brett, who used to date Treka and is a good friend of my ex Jeremy. We all talked in the parking lot until it was way too late. Saturday, Wade and I decided to go to Asheville, stopping on the way at my friend Sean’s house to meet his new puppy and the latest batch of baby chicks. While we were wandering aimlessly about Asheville trying to figure out what we wanted to do, we ran into my friends Emily and John from Charlotte, who were driving down the street and yelled when they spotted me on the sidewalk. We ended up jumping into the car with them, and they got us comp tickets to the play they were on their way to see when they spotted us. After the show, Wade and I went to dinner at the Thai and sushi restaurant across the street from the theatre. The food was good, but I would rather have eaten at the great Indian restaurant we went to the last time. After dinner, we went to this hookah bar, which was interesting, but I’m not much of a smoker, and we were going to go to a club downtown, but I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, so after failing to find a hotel nearby, we drove back home to Kings Mountain. Sunday was a whole lot of nothing topped off by a late night trip to Dairy Queen, and Monday we went over to Mom’s house for a few before heading over to Sean’s again. After helping Sean clean and refill his koi pond, we had a mini cookout inside and walked around his property/farm. Wade discovered some farming implements he’d never seen before, and we met some goats, rabbits, and chickens, as well as getting some catnip and mint samples from Sean’s garden.

Anyway, that was the weekend, filled with coincidental meetings and animals of all descriptions. Wade informed me today that he finally found his cat’s litter of kittens right at the edge of the woods, and that they’re all fluffy balls of magical goodness (his words). I’m looking forward to meeting them soon. If I can get Wade sufficiently motivated, we’re going to try to finish sorting all of the crap in his house. There’s so much that still needs to be given to his parents, donated to charity, or just thrown away. I’m really looking forward to having more space in there, hopefully enough to hold my necessities.

Time to hit the dusty (actually rainy right now) trail…

Anyway. The fetish spanking guy is trying to win me over again. I told him I’d need to get half the money up front and see all of it before I’d do anything. We’ll see if this guy is worth a damn.

If any of you guys know where my mom’s house is and want to come to mine and Sean Grant’s joint birthday party, you’re welcome to join us. Saturday night, somewhere around 8pm. Let me know if you want to stop by. Later guys.

My workout streak remains unbroken, and I’ve been sticking with my eating plan. I’m feeling good.

Wade called me from work today to tell me that his cat just had kittens. He hasn’t seen them yet, but he can hear them meowing, and he’s planning to look for the nest to see how many there are. He asked me if I wanted one, but I declined. I told him that I’ll just enjoy his kittens, which may become my kittens anyway if I end up moving in with him. He was thinking about getting a kitten to replace the ones that got hit by a car a while back, so it seems fate has dubbed him worthy of some new pets.

I’m officially on at the new temp agency, and I just have to run down a reference from my last job before they’ll start pimping me out. Hopefully I’ll be able to get that info to them tomorrow. Dad’s going to fax my direct deposit information to them tomorrow, so getting my paycheck will still be super easy. I’m really hoping I’ll temp for some place that will decide to hire me full-time so I can have insurance and enough money for rent.

Anyway, I’m about to drop, so this is my exit cue.

I missed exercising yesterday, but I got right back on it today and upped my time, so that’s progress. I’m working on improving my cardiovascular health, and I’m also trying to work more vegetables into my diet and eat better foods overall. Wade was really proud of me when I told him about my goals, and I know he’ll do everything he can to support my efforts. His enthusiasm is really helping motivate me and give me the resolve to stick to my plans. His energy has turned out to be a great compliment to my focus. He helps me with my food and exercise goals and I help him with his renovations and decorating. Yay for balance.

So aside from exercising and scheduling my job interview for tomorrow, I also picked my brother up from school and took the household trash to the dump. Now I’m working on knitting squares for the blanket I’m making. Things are looking up, and I’m feeling pretty good.

I’m keeping up my streak of exercising every day. I’ve found that music really helps make the workout go faster, and I love the internet radio selections on iTunes. The urban section is my favorite so far. Related to exercise, Dad’s boss sent him this book Eat to Live, and he thought I might find it informative, so I’m giving it a once over. I tend not to do very well with structured diets, but I don’t know what this one is yet, so I may give it a chance. If I wasn’t so lazy, I might cook more often, which would give me more control over what’s in my food, thus enabling me to eat more healthfully. I’m working on my cooking motivation. It’s hard to work on my exercise motivation and cooking motivation at the same time. Maybe Wade can help me with that. He seems more motivated in that respect.

Anyway, time for some dinner. I might work on some knitting later. We’ll see. Later cats.

In other news, I worked out on the elliptical trainer yesterday and today. I’m not as in shape as I used to be, but my goal is to start smaller and workout every day. I’m still tracking my calories and trying to eat better, so I’m optimistic. I feel so much better than I did two days ago. One foot in front of the other…

Anyway, I had been house sitting for my mom and looking after the pets for the past week while she and my step-dad were in Cancun (which they really can’t afford, but that’s a whole other ball of wax). They got home last night, and I got to spend some quality time with Mom, which was nice as we hadn’t gotten to do that for a while. The two of us, and possibly Sean Grant, are planning to hang out later tonight. I’ve reset my sleep schedule for normal daytime hours, so maybe I’ll even get to spend the night with my boyfriend. I’m a little tired, but I’m going to try to get in a good workout on the elliptical machine. I’m wearing my workout clothes as we speak. I’ve also stepped up my food vigilance, as I’ve been gaining and losing the same five pounds for the past several months. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I can break that streak and lose the rest of the pounds and finally get to my goal weight.

I’m making it. In many aspects of my life, things can only get better.

I looked up some of the more major symbols from all of my dreams in an online dream dictionary, and they all ran the general theme of lots of stress, bad news, anxiety about something I can’t control, etc.  What a fucking surprise as I’m wigged out about grad school because I still haven’t found out and I’m terrible at waiting, and my whole life is up in the air over this one decision I’m waiting for someone else to make.  The decision was supposedly happening on Wednesday, and the grad secretary can release the news to me on the phone as soon as he mails out the acceptance/rejection letters, but I called Thursday and Friday only to find that he’s been sick the past two days and his replacements don’t know jack shit about what’s going on.  It’s possible he mailed them on Wednesday and that my letter is slowly, but surely making it’s way to my house as we speak.  It’s also possible he hasn’t mailed them, and that I’m just working myself into a frenzy.

Anyway, some good things.  After some difficulties with the payroll office, I finally got my paycheck fom last week (in two parts, but at least it’s there).  Also, Wade gave me a key to his house, which is something a boyfriend has never done for me before, so that’s exciting in my mind.  At dinner last night, he also made mention of wanting to make reservations at a Sandals resort for sometime in the near future.  I don’t know if he’ll follow through on that, but the prospect of it makes my inner voice squeal with glee.
I think I’m going to go read my new knitting book and learn/practice some new stitches.  Catch you guys later.

I took Steve to the DMV yesterday to get his driver’s license. He passed his test in one try, not that anyone doubted he would, so he’s one of the newest licensed drivers in NC. Congratulations, baby brother.

I called UIUC today to see if they were homing in on when the admissions decisions will be made. The grad secretary told me that the list was partially complete, and should be done sometime next week. As soon as the letters are mailed out, he’s allowed to release the information to me over the phone, so I’ll be calling back Wednesday or Thursday next week if I haven’t heard anything before then. The wait is absolutely killing me.

And speaking of Illinois, Wade said he wants to move up there with me and live together when I go to grad school. This is new and thrilling territory for me, as you can imagine. We were looking for apartments online one day last week. Dad walked through the room while we were discussing a few different places, and he made some comment about thinking it/having it come true in reference to grad school. I think he was a little… not stunned, but something like that, at the thought of Wade and me living together. He still won’t let Wade spend the night at our house. *shrugs* I am the youngest daughter. Maybe he has a thing about it. Maybe he’s just old and old-fashioned. Whatever. I’ll move out hopefully within four to six months.

Anyway, Wade and I have a date this Saturday to go to the museum in Gastonia, and I’m looking forward to that. My weekend has officially started, and I can’t wait to see him. For now, though, I’m going to sleep. I hope I can find a 1st shift job soon so I can be a part of the daylight world again. Later, mes amis.

I’ll be heading back to Charlotte for some more temping this week. Probably for the rest of the month, so that’s a good chunk of change. I don’t think I’ll go in tonight. I need to reset my sleep clock for third shift, so I’ll drink a lot of coffee and/or tea tonight and see how late I can push considering I woke up at 9-ish today. I started a new book called The Third Secret, so maybe I’ll get through a good bit of that tonight. Or maybe I’ll finish sorting through the stuff to go back into my room. I only have one rubbermaid container left to go through. Shouldn’t take too long. I probably should sort through my yarn too. I got a bunch from Grandma when she died, and there’s probably some I won’t use, or just don’t like, or isn’t fit for the kind of projects I do.

But now I’m hungry, so I’m going to make myself something to eat and sift through my last remaining container while I watch Medium.

My room redecoration/reorganization is going well. Wade and I painted the entire room Saturday and Sunday, and I’ve started putting my furniture back in. It finally doesn’t smell like paint anymore, so I can start sleeping in there again. Tomorrow, I’m going to hang my new curtains, which are really repurposed bedsheets. I hung my pre-existing white sheers up already, and I borrowed Wade’s cordless drill so I can install the new curtain rod hardware. I really want my own cordless drill, but they’re a little out of my price range right now, so I’ll have to wait or ask for one as a birthday present. I also found a bookshelf at Wal-Mart that I really want, so I’ll probably get that tomorrow or the next day. I need someone to help me carry it though. I’m also planning on getting a couple of closet shoe organizers so my shoe collection doesn’t get too unruly. Man, I have lots of shoes. I may get rid of several pairs. I’ve started going through my clothes and other stuff to see what I can either donate to charity or throw away. I’ve already cleared out a lot of stuff, and more will follow, so I’m looking forward to having more space. Another thing I did today was buy and install new door pulls for my closet doors, and they look a damn site better than the old ones if I do say so myself. I’m really looking forward to having the whole room organized and done. As messy as my room has been over the years, I really love organization and sleek, clean spaces. Hopefully I’ll get there sooner rather than later. If I’ve accomplished nothing else, at least it’s not that god-awful turquoise anymore.

Wade told me today that his company is taking him to Georgia for some job training thing, so he’ll be gone until Saturday. Things have been going really well with us, and we hit our official two-month mark on the 22nd, although we didn’t do anything special for it because I was with Mom and Sean in Asheville at the opera. In any case, Wade’s been a total sweetie, and despite my earlier misgivings, things have been solid so far. He’s always suggesting extravagant vacations and impulsive activities that shake things up, and although I’m not a very impulsive person, there’s a sweet, fresh quality to his ideas that I really enjoy. The other day, a commercial for Puerto Rican tourism came on, and of course, Wade immediately suggested a trip to Puerto Rico. He’ll need his passport first though. Silly boy.

I’ve been sick the past couple of days. Mostly just sinus problems and some miscellaneous aches and pains. No big deal, just irritating. I’m on the upswing now, but my nose is still mostly blocked and running a lot. Kind of cramps my style. Anyway, I’ve got to get some sleep if I’m going to get anything done tomorrow. Take it easy, you guys.

I put in my application at one of the temp agencies in town today in the hopes that I’ll find a job closer to my house. I’m still temping in Charlotte, but that’s one hell of a drive for $9 per hour. I’ve found that I actually really like data entry. It’s easy, doesn’t require a lot of concentration, and if you get into medical coding, it can pay really well. We’ll see if I can luck out and find a good paying job close to home.

And speaking of windfalls, to my surprise and great joy, I came home yesterday night to find that my dad had bought an elliptical machine. I’m looking forward to doing cardio whenever I want while watching tv. *squeals with glee* I also might get to go see Madame Butterfly in Asheville on Wednesday with Mom and Sean Grant. Sean’s boyfriend Eban is playing in the orchestra, and he gets comps, but I don’t know how many. I’ll probably know tomorrow if I get to go or not.

Another thing I did today was work on Meghin’s prom dress. I cut out and ironed the pattern pieces and cut all the fabric pieces as well. I have to go get some interfacing from Mom’s house tomorrow, but I don’t need too much, only enough for two small pieces. I might do a little stitching tonight if I can get off my ass and break the sewing machine out of the closet. If not, I’ll at least pin some pieces together and get them ready to stitch. Maybe. I’m tired as hell tonight. I spent the weekend sleeping crazy because of working third shift last week, and I finally got back to a day-time schedule in time just in time to not be able to sleep with Wade because of him starting his new job. He’s working doing something with Home Depot, and he went to Charlotte today for training. He even talked to some guys at work about painting my room. What a sweetheart.

Anyway, I’m off my nocturnal schedule for the moment, and I feel like I got some good things accomplished today. I actually woke up with no alarm at 6:45am. No wonder I’m tired so early. I think I’ll fold my laundry that just got done drying and go to bed.

I really want to redecorate my room. I need an actual bed frame, and I’d love to paint the walls some color other than teal and put up some new curtains. I need some more storage/shelving as well. Maybe I can get one of the handy men in my life to help me out with that. Or maybe I’ll just do it myself. Whatever. I’m tired as balls right now. Catch you bitches later.

Dad’s in Brazil for business until the 17th, so Wade has been staying with me, although he won’t tonight since I’ll be at work. Yesterday we went up to Asheville so I could pick up the supplies for a prom dress I’m making for Aimee’s sister Meghin. I took her measurements and we discussed what she wants, and then Wade and I bummed around Asheville until about 10pm. We walked around, looked in a few stores, and had dinner at an Indian restaurant called Mela, which has very good food. We also stopped by a store called Chocolate Fetish and got a chocolate each. Mine was called French Kiss, and his was called Ancient Pleasure. It’s an awesome store, if you ever get a chance to go, and the girls working the counter were really cool and friendly, and they liked my funny/perverted t-shirt, so yay for them.

Anyway, I’ve got a few things to do before I leave for work, so I will bid you all good night.

I’ve been exercising somewhat regularly the past week and a half, trying to get back into the habit of it. Going pretty well so far.

Still haven’t heard from grad school. Planning to call them in the next couple of days to check on the status of my paperwork.

Dad is going to Brazil for business on Wednesday. I’m not sure how long he’s staying, but it will be nice to have the house to myself for a couple of days at least.

I’m going to go eat dinner and hang out with my man for a little bit. Catch you guys later.

In other news, I just found out that Aimee ruptured an ovarian cyst and had to go to the emergency room for eight hours yesterday. The ER doctor told her to see an ob/gyn as soon as she could to investigate the possibility of it being cancerous. I’m with you in spirit, baby doll. Keep hanging on.

I went to the doctor today as well, but it was for diabetic screening and to renew my Pill prescription. I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to eat a special breakfast, which was kind of irritating, but I found out I’m not diabetic, so yea for me. My arm kind of hurts where they took the blood though. Oh well. I also got another ten months worth of Pill packs. Huzzah.

The waiting continues to hear from UIUC. You guys will know as soon as I know. The suspense is killing me already.

Anyway, I hope all of you guys have a good night. I’ll be doing my damndest to enjoy myself, you can believe that.

The next day, we had breakfast at the hotel, and Wade dropped me off for my interviews and activities in the theatre building. My interviews went really well, and they remembered me from last year, so I take that as a good sign. The grad student assigned to show me around and such was actually the same girl who invited me to her roommate’s birthday party last year, so that was neat. Wade picked me up again afterwards and we went to lunch at Perkin’s. Over lunch, we tossed around some travel ideas and eventually decided to go to Washington D.C. and visit two of my sisters. We left Illinois around 4:15pm central/5:15pm eastern time for the loooooong drive across Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. We rolled into the D.C. area around 5:30am, but had some difficulty with getting the hotel room lined up due to no vacancies one place and renovations in another. We finally checked in to a hotel in Capitol Heights a bit after 7am and passed the hell out.

Having spoken to my sister Jane during the drive, I found out that both she and my sister Molly were out of town, but she told us we could stay in her apartment in return for looking after her dog Lily. After we woke up at the hotel, we drove over the Jane’s place in Silver Spring, MD, and got in touch with Jane’s friend Chris, who gave us the keys and a parking permit. We thought we’d go into the city, see some monuments and such, and grab some dinner, so we took the metro into the city, and after walking around for five minutes, decided it was too cold for sightseeing and skipped straight to dinner. Dinner was at this fabulous little Indian restaurant on 7th between H and I streets. The food was absolutely stellar, and we ate our leftovers the next afternoon. So that was Saturday.

Sunday, we got up late. We had planned to go to the Smithsonian, but were feeling exceptionally lazy. Added to the bone chilling weather, that was enough to keep us inside for the day, although we did venture out to take Lily for a walk and to get some hot drinks at the coffee place around the corner. We ordered some Chinese food and watched the Olympics, including the ice dancing debacle. I’ve never seen so many pairs just go to pieces like that. I digress. Went to bed after some sudoku and computer games.

Wade had a conference call at 10am, so he got up for that, letting me sleep in a bit more. We ate our leftover Chinese food, took out the trash, and rolled out of Jane’s apartment around 3pm. The drive home was uneventful, with a stop for gas and dinner at Bojangle’s. Wade and I listened to some interesting programs on NPR and had some good conversation, mainly just ready to finally be home and out of the car after a weekend of so much driving. We got back to his house around 11pm, and after talking a bit more, I tucked him in and drove back home to Dad’s house. I had a snack, watched some Olympics repeat broadcasts to see the last of the ice dancing, did some sudoku puzzles, and here we are. I’ve been up way too long, so without further ado, Wiggler and I are going to bed. Hope everyone else’s weekend was as good as mine.

Saturday: We woke up, had some sex, lazed around for a little while. We went to the mall and both got haircuts, had lunch at Chik-fil-A, and picked up some cards from the Hallmark store. Eventually went over to my mom’s house to help them get ready for the She Loves Me cast party. We made cornbread and garlic mashed potatoes, and we stirred the chili for my step-dad while he was at the show. Sliced some cheese, apples, and cake, and arranged some serving trays. Put the couch cover on the couch after it came out of the dryer and scrubbed out the microwave. The party itself was pretty fun. Lots of wacky theatre people combined with alcohol, throw in some partially nude hot tubbing after Wade and I went to bed in my brother’s room, and you’ve got an interesting night. Drunk people are funny.

Sunday: We woke up, had some sex, and went downstairs to grab some food before strike. Wade got a call from a guy who wanted to come see his old car that he’s selling, so he set that up. The rear right tire on Wade’s car was flat, so he changed it, and we went to his house to wait for the potential buyer. Wade showed him the car, we made hotel reservations for the jump to Illinios later this week, then we rolled by strike just in time to help them unload things at the warehouse. We went to get Wade’s tire repaired at Wal-Mart, where he decided to buy me a blue lace thong for some reason, leading me through the store with his hands over my eyes until he found what he wanted. Then we went to Nakata with my family for my brother’s birthday dinner, and it was fantastic as usual. It’s his 18th birthday, and I can’t wait to take him to a strip club and buy him a lap dance. After that, Wade and I went to Mom’s house, watched some Olympics coverage and Grey’s Anatomy, and he drove me home.

All in all, it was a pretty fun weekend. I’m pretty tired, but I wanted to update before I lost all my thoughts. I’m really glad Wade is coming to Illinois with me. I love road trips, but I hate to travel alone, so this ought to be great. We’re leaving on Thursday morning, and my interview and related activities should be over by 1 or 2pm at the latest, so we’ll have the rest of the weekend to travel around and do whatever we want. And one neat thing is that Wade used his hotel rewards points to get us the room for free, so one less thing I have to pay for. We only have the hotel room for one night though, so I guess he’s planning to travel around some more and see what trouble we can get into elsewhere. Whatever it is, I’m looking forward to it.

Must call John and get production photos from him. Must update my portfolio and print out all necessary letters/forms/directions. So tired. Must sleep.

Taking a page out of Tom’s book with this one. We’re gonna make it.

So Cliff and I talked for a couple of minutes, my brother waiting in the running car. Then I dropped Steve off at Mom’s house and went to the mall in Gastonia in search of lingerie and Wade’s Valentine’s Day present. I found a cute little ensemble and part of his present, so I consider the excursion a success. After the shopping, I went back home and (insert shocked noise here) did my taxes. Double checked and e-filed, I finally don’t owe the government any money, which is great considering I’m way below the poverty line. It’s that damnable interest income that got me before. Once I had my tax information, I took it right on over to the FAFSA website and completed and submitted my FAFSA for this year. Since I’m technically an independent student this year, I don’t have to list my parents’ income, so I should get more financial aid that I did before. If I get into UIUC, I should get a full ride anyway though, so no worries. I had a bitch of a time trying to find my school code though. I had to try several different adaptations of my school name before it realized what school I was talking about. Blah.

Anyway, I feel like I accomplished a lot today, or at least a few very important things.

I also just got done working out, so I’m feeling pretty pumped. My endorphins are thudding steadily through my body, and I’m about to take a shower and go pick up my brother from rehearsal. Damn, I wish he could drive.

I got all of my tax forms finally, so I’ll be doing my taxes as soon as I can find the will.

And now I must jump in the shower without delay, or I won’t make it to the high school in time. Maybe more updates later…

And when I got home, guess who was waiting to talk to me. None other than Aimee. I had missed her call earlier in the night and was worried about her, so I’m glad she popped up. As it turns out, she had good news to share, having fucked an exceptionally well hung 19-year old earlier in the night. Congrats on the fantastic booty call, Aimee. If anyone deserved it, it’s you. Keep on keepin’ on, girl. We’ll keep looking for jobs together. I might try that Rickshaw meditation you mentioned to me. Sounds intriguing.

Nothing else to report today. Tomorrow, I’m going to call the chair of the department at UIUC if I don’t have an e-mail from this chick by the time I wake up. I might get a haircut too. My wanderlust is kicking up again. Hopefully Illinois will be enough of a diversion to slake my thirst. And now, bon nuit, mes amis…

And speaking of depression, my heart goes out to my friend Aimee tonight. She just lost her job, on top of several other recent hardships, and she’s taking it really hard. Aimee, if there’s anything I can do for you, name it. If you need me to come up to Ashville and cook you something, or beat somebody up, or help you with anything, I am there. I wish there was more I could do. Please, please, take care of yourself, babe. People love you, and things can only get better, so just hang on.

On my job front, my FBI background check came back squeaky clean (as I knew it would), so I have a job with Randstad, but it doesn’t start until April, so I’m still looking for something. I’m calling back the owner of The Magic Maze on the 15th, as he requested, so hopefully, I’ll be able to work there at least part-time. Ichabod’s in town is looking for people, and although I really don’t want to work in food service, I’ve been giving it some serious thought. And there’s always the temp agency. Hey, Aimee, try the temp agency. It’s better than nothing.

So on the weight loss front, I’ve been holding steady at roughly 170 pounds. I fell off my exercise wagon, but I’ve been keeping up with my calories for the most part, so that’s something. I’ve got to get into the habit of exercising again. The procrastinator in me has been prevailing. I did do an exercise video one day last week, but then my UTI kicked my ass for a few days and I couldn’t really exercise for the back pain. Dad had to drive me to the doctor, and I got some antibiotics, so I’m feeling much better now. One triumph though, I found mini bagels at the supermarket, so now I can satisfy my bagel craving without so many calories. (We’re out of cream cheese! Ack!) Also, my dad found this really good cereal, some zen organic stuff that is absolutely delicious. Popcorn has also been a great thing for me lately. Of course, I totally blew my diet yesterday at the Super Bowl party at my mom’s house. Wade made meatballs, which were a definite hit, and Julie brought pizza. My Steelers won (wild cheering on the inside), and after the game and the new episode of Grey’s Anatomy, we all got in the hot tub. I love hot tubs.

Mom’s birthday was on Friday, and we took her out for a drink after the show. I got her some awesome sunglasses that she wanted, so that was good. My brother’s 18th birthday is coming up on the 12th, and I’m planning on taking him out to a strip club with some friends. He’s getting at least one lap dance if I have anything to say about it. If you want to come along, let me know.

And now, I believe I’ll have a bagel with peanut butter and do some more sudoku puzzles. Night guys.

And here’s an interesting/bizarre thing. When I got back home from my interview, there was a message up on my screen that said, “Would you like to make $10,000?” Of course I do, but doing what? So I inquired, and the job is doing fetish spanking photos. I personally am not into spanking, but for ten grand, I think I could handle it for an hour. The guy is based in Asheville, and if one of my friends will come with me to the shoot, I think I’m going to do it. Haven’t talked to Wade about it yet, but I doubt he’ll object too strongly. He could even come and watch if he wanted to. I hope I don’t get bruises on my ass or anything like that. And $10,000 is only the starting rate. I could do a lot with that much money. Damn it’s good to be over 18! P.S. – Don’t tell my dad. He just would not be able to handle that shit.

In other news, I’m still trying to schedule my grad school interview. I finally got in touch with the right person, but she’s been pretty slow in getting back to me. Maybe I’ll e-mail her again tomorrow if I haven’t heard from her by then.

I’m about to head to She Loves Me rehearsal. Tonight is first dress, and it ought to be a pretty fiasco with the orchestra in its present state. Last night, the body mics sounded horrible. I hope they get that fixed, and soon. Sean and I need to have a little talk about several things. Life just keeps getting stranger and stranger.

Update #1: Wade asked me to be his girlfriend this morning, and I said yes. Sorry Aimee. I know it isn’t easy to hear/read. January 22nd is our official starting date. We had a bunch of wake-up sex, cuddled and bummed around for a bit, he asked me, I said yes, and he made me breakfast in bed. He had wanted to date other girls when he was in his last relationship, but he said that he doesn’t want to anymore now that he’s with me. I remain guarded, but optimistic. It may be a mistake, and lord knows I’ll find out soon enough, but if it’s not real, I’ll be moving away sooner or later, so I might as well have my fun while I can. Monogamy here I come! We spent every second of the weekend together from the time he got off work Friday night to just an hour or two ago. This is my first boyfriend since I was 18, and I’m already enjoying him thoroughly.

Update #2: My friend Sean popped up on my screen tonight to say hi. He’s directing the show I’ve been working on, and I took Wade to the set building work call on Saturday, for which Sean was very greatful. Wade is terribly handy, and we had a good time working with everyone. Anyway, Sean asked if I could hook him up with Wade, and I told him that Wade wasn’t into guys, but he is very flirty. There was some talk about Sean getting in on some action, and I told him we’d make him a video. Sean then offered to shoot the video himself, which surprised me because I didn’t think Sean liked girls very much. I told him I’d see what Wade had to say about it. Sean and I have been friends since I was in elementary school. We share a birthday, but he’s 12 years older than I am. It’s an offer I never would have expected from him. We always are kind of flirty, but that’s the way all of us are in our group. I can’t wait to hear what Wade says when I tell him about this proposition.

Tonight I will sleep the sleep of the sated…

That said, am I still going to sleep with him, you ask? Yes. Yes I am, and I’m going to have a whole hell of a lot of fun doing it. That may seem totally whack to many of you, but I think that at this point in my life, I deserve some fun. What about his penchant for stretching the truth and his wanting to date around, you ask? Well, I’m not going to be his girlfriend. That would just be the height of arrogance to think I could change him where other girls have failed. In fact, I’m thinking about dating around myself. I might find someone I like better who wants to be with just me, which would be totally excellent. And even if I don’t, I never really dated that much in college, so I think I’m entitled to my revelry, and I’m going to move away from here anyway, so I’d have to break off the relationship eventually. So I’m boosting my confidence and self-esteem by semi-dating a guy who thinks I’m beautiful and sweet and funny and wonderful and who does lots of sweet things for me.

So that went on late on Sunday night, and I slept over at Mom’s, eventually coming home again to Dad’s and doing some laundry. I entertained myself in the usual fashion during the day, and then got a call from Wade asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him after he and our friend Mark discussed the mead-making process. I said of course, and a little bit later, I got a call from Mark just to shoot the shit, and he and Wade said come on over. So I went over to Wade’s and watched March of the Penguins sandwiched between them on the couch. An arrangement I could live with, let me tell you. I snuggled with Mark a little bit while Wade was setting up the movie, and Wade got a little territorial when he sat down, putting his arms around me and getting pretty snuggly himself. So I switched to holding hands with Mark and being more snuggly with Wade, which was still much fun. Mark is a sweet guy, who has always been exceedingly honest, and I’ve been attracted to him since I first met him. Wouldn’t mind dating just him. He’s a little shorter, probably about my height, but I don’t think that will slow me down any. I think I’ll try hanging out with him by ourselves and see what happens. Oh yeah, and I ended up spending the night at Wade’s house and having lots of sex both that night and this morning, breezing into my house at around 10am and making him later for work than he had planned. Shame on the both of us, but damn it was good.

And changing the subject yet again, I got a call from the married man on Sunday night as well, before all the rest of the shenanigans started. He filled me in on what’s going on with his life, and I filled him in on the sexcapades that have been going on over here. He especially liked hearing some of the details about the threesome, the horny dog that he is, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to call me sometime this week for some foolishness of our own. What a tangled web I seem to be weaving.

I wonder how much of this will make it into my therapist’s ear…

So that was Tuesday night. On Wednesday, Wade called me up to thank me for the excellent threesome, and I took the opportunity to tell him that I will not tolerate any more lying to me. Ever. I told him straight up that if I found out he was lying to me, I’d be GONE. I may have laid it on a little bit thick as my drama quotient was high due to me starting my period. He took it well, in any case. Aimee invited me back for dinner on Thursday, and we watched movies all snuggled up on the couch together. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (finally) and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Good times. We had some good conversation, and after Wade fell asleep, Aimee and I went to Denny’s around 3am and ordered breakfast and talked some more. Specifically, we discussed the predicament with our boy and how shitty it was to be in this situation. We shared a lot of painful thoughts and memories, and I consider her a closer friend than Wade at this point. Both of us are finding it hard to trust anything that comes out of his mouth at times. I’m definitely no longer in danger of falling for him, the dishonesty curing me of my naive idealism regarding this relationship. If I’d known the real situation from the beginning, I probably wouldn’t have slept with him, although I can’t really say for sure. Moot point anyway. He’s so fucking charming it’s criminal, and absolutely a pro at telling you exactly what you want/need to hear. The effect is devastatingly reminiscent of love, and I’ve been kind of depressed the past several days thinking about how much I miss actual love. When he and I are alone together, it’s so easy to forget that it isn’t just the two of us. Adding the two of them, my lover count is now rounded out to an even ten, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of the sex. It’s just so empty.

I’ve been pet-sitting for my mom this weekend, staying at her house, and the two of them came over and hung out for a little bit last night. I’ve been in my pajamas all weekend, and I know I need a shower, but they told me I was cute and that it didn’t matter. Like they haven’t seen me naked and with bed hair. Aimee has strep throat, which I’m sure is a contributing factor to the sore throat I’ve had for the past couple of days. She’s had it worse than I have though. Mine is practically gone after a couple of days and no medicine, and she’s on antibiotics and still feels pretty awful. This, combined with my period and on the heels of my previous brief illness, has made me somewhat irritable and pretty tired. I was also a total Fat Kid last night and ate almost an entire pizza. It was thin crust, but still. It’s amazing that I’m still losing weight consider how I haven’t been sticking to my diet or exercising the way I should. I’m planning to remedy this soon. Wade even suggested that we work out together, which I thought was an interesting suggestion, not without merit. Something to consider anyway. Digital cable has been my sleep schedule destroyer this weekend, and I’ve watched a heap of movies. Hooray for all the HBOs and Cinemaxes. I think I might take a nap until Mom and Allan get home. I was also considering walking the dog around the neighborhood, but I don’t have any clothes over here in which I’d be willing to sweat, and walking Roxy is sweaty work. Arrgh, nap……

Thursday: Trivia at Ham’s. Took Wade home with me and had lots of sex.

Friday: Party at Nicole’s. Drank a bit and talked to my new friend Mark. Wade showed up, we hung out with the party people for a while, then went to his house and I spent the night. Lots of sex, then sleep.

Saturday: Wake up, lots of sex, then he cooked me breakfast in bed. We snuggled lazily for a while, then went to Dad’s house. Had dinner, watched Amelie and some tv, went to bed and had lots of sex.

Sunday: Wake up, lots of sex, and took a shower. Went to his house and he cooked for me again. Walked around in the woods, talked a lot, then went to Mom’s house to hang out. Ordered pizza, watched tv, and snuggled on the couch. He drove me back to Dad’s house and said goodnight.

My god, people. I have had more sex this weekend than I have in the past year. And not just your average, run-of-the-mill sex either. Really fantastic, lasts for hours, multi-orgasmic sex. He hit my g-spot and kept hitting it. The first guy to ever give me an orgasm from just penetration, and he loves to go down. Wore me out. I get chills now just thinking about it. And as if being great in bed wasn’t enough, he cooks, loves to snuggle, pays me tons of compliments, and has a fantastic personality. This whole weekend, I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet. We spent so much time together, and he was so sweet that it was almost like having a boyfriend again. I could fall for him so easily, but I’m trying not to. He has a girlfriend, and they have an open relationship, so he’s been dating around. I knew it going into the situation, but it’s so easy not to think about it when we’re alone together. We’ve had serious talks about it. I can only hope that if he ever decides he’s ready to be with just one woman, he’ll call me up. Don’t I have the most uncanny talent for getting involved with unavailable men? He would be such a fantastic boyfriend though. *sigh*

In other news, I’ve managed to lose another five pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 65 pounds. I’m now down to an even 170, and feeling great about it. I also went to She Loves Me rehearsal tonight to do some costume stuff. We had a lot of the actors try things on, and it seems to be going really well. I also helped Jack run some lines while they were working on a scene he wasn’t in. Jack is adorable, but I still have no idea if he’s straight or gay. Oh well. I’m sure I’ll find out one of these days. Counselling is going well, grad school applications are on track, and life is getting better. Now for some well-deserved sleep…

I wrote a few posts on Yahoo 360 while this site was down. Check them out. My username on there is JuJuFruit1983. I posted pictures from Christmas on my Flickr page too, so check those out if you want. My nieces and nephews are absolutely adorable! More updates to follow…

I talked to several friends over the course of the day as well. One of them taught me new things about software and protecting myself from online fraud, so I tip my hat to him. Another talked about going on a two-week trip to NYC, which sounded really fabulous. I miss the city. Ever since my sister Jane offered to let me live with her if I got a job in D.C., I’ve really been thinking hard about doing it. I’m sure I could find some kind of job in D.C. to tide me over until grad school.

Today I’ve been called sexy, entertaining, funny, and sweet, among other things. It’s been a good day. Come dance with me in the driveway underneath the stars…

Johnny Guitar was excellent and extremely funny! I was surprised I liked it, considering that it is a cowboy musical. There were some really cute guys in the cast too. Mom and I went to Olive Garden after the show. We had a HOT waiter named Matthew, and I left my business card for him. He was a flirty waiter and called us by sweet nicknames all night. Who the hell knows if he’ll call or not, but I thought I’d give it a shot in any case. My luck with guys is really hit-or-miss lately. I am absolutely boy crazy the past couple of weeks. I don’t know what is up with me. Anyway, Mom is coming over tomorrow, and we’re going to bake up a storm. Barry and Kenny’s annual Christmas party in Spartanburg is tomorrow night, so we’ll be going to that armed with treats. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday are all work calls for Off Tryon since the theatre is moving, so I’ll be there on Sunday at least. I’ll probably go all three days if they still need the help. I almost can’t imagine that there’s enough work to last three days, but I’m sure there will be. I still have presents to shop for before Friday next week. That’s when we’ll be leaving for Philadelphia, and I still have to get stuff for my nephews, my dad, and my brother. I have so much stuff to do. Damn.

General status: optimistic, but guarded

Tuesday: I went to the Cleveland County Health Department to get my prescription renewed, and I decided to get screened for STDs while I was there, since they took blood at the beginning anyway. I have to go back in three months so they can make sure I’m not having any adverse reactions to my BCPs (that’s birth control pills to you), and they’ll be doing a diabetic screening for me that day as well. Lucky me. Anyway, I have to call the clinic and go back in in a couple of weeks so they can tell me I don’t have HIV. Hooray. I went to dinner with Dad and Steve, and then the first read through for She Loves Me, which was a lot of fun. The male lead locked his keys in his car, and I happen to have AAA, so I called them on his behalf, for which he was very grateful. I can’t figure out if he’s straight or not. I hope so. He’s a cutie. After the read through, a bunch of us went to the new IHOP and loitered until closing time.

Wednesday: I went to the the hospital in Gastonia for a mental health preliminary screening. In light of my recent mental hardships, I finally took some steps toward getting some counseling. I traded cars with my dad and took his car to the garage for scheduled maintenance. I wandered around Shelby for a couple of hour until it was lunch time, and I had lunch with Mom at Slim’s Grill in Shelby. It’s not bad, but not the greatest eatery in the world. I picked Steve up from school, hung out at Mom’s house for a little while, then drove him to choir practice. Then I went home and watched Crash, which is a movie I highly recommend, and Lewis Black on Broadway, which was some funny shit. Crash was so wrenching, and I was sitting there watching it just filled with saddness and rage that these type of things happen. I cried three separate times during this movie, and I’m not really a crier. I must own this movie. After the movie and before Lewis Black, Dad and I had a conference about what on earth to get my nieces and nephews for Christmas, since we’ll actually be seeing them face to face this year. I’m excited about it, as I’ve never met two of them (there are four total). I’ve been an aunt since I was 12. Their names are Zoe, Paige, Miles, and Graham. The two girls belong to my sister Sarah, the oldest, and the two boys belong to Molly, the second oldest. Jane isn’t even married, so I doubt she’ll have any kids for a while, if ever. Anyway, Dad is sending me out to do Christmas shopping reconaissance tomorrow to see what sort of things we might buy the kids. He’s hopeless with presents, and it’s easier just to tell him exactly what you want. He almost always gets it for you. I just write him notes with precise details at this point. I think he’s going to get me a PDA this year, so I’m doing research on what kind I want. I have to write out a list for my sisters because they’ll have absolutely no idea what I like or want.

I digress.

Today: I went to hang out with one of my friends in Charlotte. I spent most of the day at his house, and I saw Anchorman for the first time. Totally off the wall. Then I went back to Shelby to have dinner with Dad and Steve. It’s cold and rainy, and eveyone around here is worried about the roads getting icy. They’re all a bunch of driving pansies if you ask me. My brother hopes the roads will ice up so he won’t have to go to school, or so they’ll at least have a delay. I hope the roads don’t ice up because I have to go to Charlotte in the morning for my follow-up appointment at the clinic there. Hopefully, I’ll be cleared for take-off after that because I am so fucking horny I could have fucked the hell out of my friend today. With a capital F. I keep getting messages from guys on this one dating website on which I have a profile, and I can’t e-mail them back unless they leave me their e-mail addresses because I’m not a paying subscriber. Some guys leave their e-mail on there, and I always hit them back if they sound interesting. This guy Wade left me a message on there today though, and he didn’t leave his e-mail, which is a shame because he sounds really nice. I hope he reads this and realizes I’m not blowing him off, I just can’t e-mail people back through the site. My username on there is also my AIM handle and one of my yahoo e-mail addresses, so maybe he’ll read this and pop up on my screen one day. My luck with guys is so strange lately.

I think I’m going to watch Monster, and then Crash again, and maybe even Lewis Black again if I feel the urge. I don’t know. I have to get up kind of early tomorrow for my appointment in Charlotte, and I’m kind of tired even now. I’ve been getting up early all week, and I haven’t really been getting enough sleep because I stay up late like a dumbass. I know when I have to wake up, but I do it anyway. *shakes her head* I may never learn.

Wow, I remembered more than I thought.

I’ll let you guys know if anything interesting happens at the party tonight. Lord, I hope something happens…

Anyway, I’m going to get my hair cut on Friday, and I’m going to get the pill from the health department on Tuesday. I’m also going to the first read through of She Loves Me in Shelby on Tuesday. Mom and I are tag teaming the costumes on that one, or at least that’s my plan. I’m pretty sure she’ll be in on it. She and my dad are both in the show, so that ought to be interesting.

I’m too tired to talk about anything else. Going to have a snack and read until I fall asleep.

List of the caffeinated drinks I consumed today: one cup of hot tea, two cups of coffee, three glasses of sweetened iced tea, and one Biggie diet soda from Wendy’s

My day was very productive and emotionally positive, albeit jittery. I got to see the cutie pie stage manager at rehearsal, there’s happy music in my stereo, and I looked fucking excellent today. Now I shall collapse into my bed as soon as I change into pajamas and take off my make-up. Sleep is soooo sweet……..

Things have been getting better. I’ve started venturing out and doing normal things again, seeing my friends and not languishing in my pajamas by myself all day. The recent stresses mixed with my previous long-standing issues with depression and low self-esteem, and it’s been really hard. I’m currently shopping for a good therapist, so wish me luck. I know I’m starting to shake out of my depression rut though because I’m starting to think about dating again. I’m not saying that I’m totally better. That would be a bald-faced lie. However, I’m not drowning in negative feelings anymore, which is a big step forward. I’m hoping therapy will help me get back some things I’ve lost. I’m on my way to coming to terms with my loss, although I’m sure I’ll carry it with me for a long time, at least until I have kids. The fact that I’m still physically suffering from the procedure is making it difficult, but not too horrible. I had some really wicked cramps yesterday that made me think twice about filling my prescription for pain medication. The bleeding is a real hassle too, and I’m hoping it stops soon. It’s really cramping my self-love style, although I believe that last night, for the first time ever, I had an orgasm in my sleep while dreaming about masturbating. It was pretty interesting. I’m really looking forward to the ok from my doctor for having sex again.

I went to a poker game at S.P.A.C. Friday night, after which I went to the movies with Emily, Michael, Adam, and his girlfriend whose name starts with an M, but that I can’t remember. I wasn’t actually playing poker of course, as I have no money and am horrible at cards, but I brought my knitting, and I had so much fun hanging out with my people. Michael took to calling me Betsy Ross, and Adam, who had only ever seen me drinking and partying, thought my domestic knitting side was thoroughly amusing. We went to see the new Harry Potter movie, racking up my third in-theatre viewing. Bully for me, as Mom would say. Last night, I went to Mom’s house to hang out with her a bit. She was working on a sewing project, and I brought my knitting, so we crafted in the basement and watched a lot of tv, breaking only for dinner. Afterwards, I went to Wal-Mart for some supplies and got back to Dad’s house at about 3:30am. I must say that my internal sleep clock is completely fucked up right now. I’ll be drinking a lot of coffee and tea to stay up through rehearsal tomorrow night. Hopefully, I’ll find a job soon that will give my life some kind of structure. I’ll be signing up with the temp agency in town as soon as I can pee in a cup without bleeding in it. I’ve also been considering substitute teaching. Something interesting might show up. We’ll see.

One other good thing, John agreed to write me a letter of recommendation for grad school, so I’m really excited about that. I’m researching schools again, reevaluating my choice of schools and deciding where to apply this year. Carnegie-Mellon and NCSA are out. U of I is still my first choice, and I’m considering UNC Chapel Hill and Kent State. We’ll see how that goes. My fingers are crossed so hard for grad school this year I’m afraid they might fall off.

Life is happening again. I’m glad. Optimism is not dead.

I also went to see “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” today. I went by myself, as I had no idea where any of my friends were, and I just had to get out of my house. The movie was good despite the massive number of little kids making noise in the audience. That’s what I get for going to the 3:45 showing. I think I’ll re-read the books again. Not tonight though. The next installment of “Rome” is on HBO tonight, as well as a new episode of Cold Case. The main chick finally started wearing different hairstyles instead of the same one every second of every episode. Thank god somebody working on that program got some sense.

Anyway, I’m on antibiotics. I wish I wasn’t because I’d really like to drink right now. Alas, no. I’ll have to wait until Thursday. I am recovering. Slowly. If you love me, it would be great to hear from you sometime soon. I need all the love I can get my hands on right now. Damn, I wish I had some more valium.

I got a call from Jenny tonight. She was telling me that some news show is going to be doing a special report on the killings that happened at UNCW a while back. I didn’t know either of the victims, but she lived in the same apartment complex as one of the girls and knew her a little bit. The news program is doing a sort of expose, showing all the faults in the original investigation and where things went wrong. She got an e-mail from the alumni association or some such thing. I didn’t get an e-mail, but I don’t think I signed up for any of their updates or told them what I’m doing or anything like that. I’ll be curious to see the program, as I was still in school when the crimes were committed. Strange days.
As it turns out, there was some confusion about plans, and Jenny and I are going to the strip club next Wednesday, not this Wednesday. She and I are going to get smashed good and proper this Thursday though. Anyone who wants to join us can come to The Corner Pub on 7th and Graham and witness the ensuing madness. The precise time is unknown, but we’ll most likely be starting early. Strip club madness will have to wait until next week.
Hanging out with Tom O. is still on this week’s agenda though. I hope he doesn’t forget. I’ll call him tomorrow, I guess. I’ll be in Charlotte on Wednesday night for the next production meeting, and I’ll probably run by rehearsal too. Maybe I can hang out with Tom O. and/or George earlier in the day so it won’t seem like I drove all the way to Charlotte for an measly hour and a half of work. I spend more time driving to and from Charlotte than I do actually working in Charlotte, at least for this show.

Just got an automatic sports update from AIM. UNCW men’s basketball just won their game. Go Seahawks!

Now I shall commence with the relaxing…

Rennaissance festival later. It’s entirely possible I’ll be dressing up, but I have to discuss it with the rest of the group. You can be sure I’ll be trying on a corset while I’m there, as my old one is too big for me now. If I buy another one, I’ll make sure someone takes a nice picture so I can share with you guys. Funny, I just remembered that the last two plays I performed in during college were both period pieces in which I wore corsets. The Servant of Two Masters and Our Country’s Good. I’ll see if I can dig up some pictures of those too.

My CDs are reorganized, I got in a good workout, and I’m feeling better than I have in days. Too bad I’m sleeping alone. It would have been a fun night.

Other than the physical ailments, I’m pretty good actually. If you’re around, feel free to come by and see me in Kings Mountain.

Mom came over to hang out tonight. We made plans to go to the rennaissance festival on Sunday, although no concensus has been reached yet about dressing up. It will be me, Mom, Steve (my brother), Allan (my step-dad), and our friend Sean Grant. Anyone else who wants to come along is welcome to join us. Other plans for the following week include driving my brother wherever he needs to go tomorrow (later today?), taking my car to the garage for its overdue 40,000 mile check-up, going to a strip club lunch buffet on Wednesday with Jenny, and my doctor’s appointment on Friday at 9am, about which I have mixed feelings. Going to rehearsal will probably be squeezed in there a couple of days, and I also hope that I get to hang out with my friends Tom O. and George. Jenny will be on break from school, so I’m sure we’ll have some quality time. I’ll be sure to fill you guys in on the strip club trip. I’m hoping to get fondled by some hot strippers.

Two developments: 1) Late last night, I got my libido back for the first time since this ordeal began. I was very glad about this, and I masturbated to a fantastic multiple orgasm. Overshare be damned, I’m happy about this! 2) I felt nauseous on and off since this evening for the first time since this ordeal began. I was hoping to avoid this particular symptom, and had escaped it thusfar, but I started feeling it about an hour before dinner time. Blast and double blast! The previous symptoms of periodic dizziness, the constant feeling of PMS, and unpredictable mood swings persist. *sigh*

Anyway, enough of that foolishness. Strip club with good food. Rennaissance festival. Hopefully hanging out with several of my friends. Chauffering my brother around. Impending auto work. Rehearsals. The return of my libido. These are the things which help me occupy my mental time. My more positive mental health seems to be sticking around, although I’m still monitoring the situation. I need some more books. I’ve managed to read all of the books I’ve recently acquired, and I made it through my backlog of magazines yesterday. Should I hit up friends, shell out some cash and buy, or brave the wasteland of *gasp* the public library in Shelby? There’s a book that Tom O. and Lisa are reading that I really want to borrow, but I’m sure they’re still reading it at the moment. Maybe I’ll buy it. I can’t recall the title right now, something about a lot of broken pieces, or something like that. It’s on Oprah’s book club list (don’t scoff), so I’m sure I’ll be able to find it easily enough.

I probably should get some sleep before I have to get up and drive my Steve around in the morning/afternoon. I hope he gets his license soon. He’s damn near 18. I don’t understand his ambivalence, as I got my license as soon as Mom would take me to the DMV. I guess I always was more independent than my brother, though. Oh well.

As a result of my recent predicament and the resulting depression, I’ve been languishing on the couch a lot and have fallen off my exercise wagon once again. Physically, I haven’t been feeling that hot, so understandably, I haven’t felt like exercising. I’ve got to get back into the swing of it though. I hope the endorphins boost my mood. I could sure use it, although I think I’m starting to even out a bit. Thank god. After several freak outs, crying jags, and a seemingly bottomless well of negative feelings, I’m starting to act almost like my normal self. The feelings are still there, but they seem more managable and less overwhelming than they used to. We’ll see if that lasts, as my hormones are making things slightly unpredictable. I sincerely hope it does because this whole experience has been emotionally exhausting to the extreme so far.

Today, I laughed so hard I almost cried, and I cleaned up the living some more. I noticed a cute guy, and I sang along to a CD even though my throat hurt. I drank coffee with too much creamer, and I counted my calories. I watched more TV than I should have, and I may have actually started to make peace with my situation. I am grateful for every distraction. I wish I had more work into which I could throw myself. I am on autopilot.

This is the first part of his away message that is up right now:
If my friends don’t get it, are they really my friends? Or are they just worthless turds that should never have left the primordial ooze?

I don’t want to fight. Life is too short for pettiness and bitterness. I told him earlier today that I love him, and I still do, despite the pain his words have caused me. I will swallow my pain and hope that tomorrow is better. I will hold and rock myself tonight and remember kinder times. I don’t want to fight anymore.

Devil in the Blue Dress

Originally uploaded by jujufruit1983.

As promised, here’s me in my Halloween costume. The horns came with this feathery bullshit on the top, but I ripped it off, and it looked much less porn star. I bought this dress when I was a senior in high school, but I look better in it now. Plus now I have tattoos to show off and the kickass stilettos to complete the look. And I didn’t wear any underwear. What kind of devil would I be if I had? If I actually go anywhere today, I’ll be wearing this outfit.

Friday: After having lunch at Chen’s with Mom and Steve, I go home, shave my legs, and get dressed for the party while packing my overnight bag. I finally did decide to go as the devil in the blue dress, and I swing by Party City to get devil horns. This takes forever because the place was packed. Then, on my way to Emily’s, I swing by George’s house to check out his baby Quinn’s Halloween costume, which is Elvis. So adorable! His wife made it, and I find out later that Quinn won first place in the neighborhood costume contest the next night. George takes a picture of me in my costume with my camera so I can post it on here once I upload it. They give me a slice of pizza, and then I drive to Emily’s house.
Once at Emily’s, I get introduced around to the people I don’t know and immediately get sucked into a game of Asshole. I find out that I am terrible at this game, and to nobody’s surprise, I get fairly drunk pretty fast. After several rounds of Asshole, we move on to beer pong. Being already partially drunk, and with little prowess in the arena of sports to begin with, my team loses a couple of times. After a little hanging out, a game of Never Have I Ever breaks out. This game is more my speed, and I drink a lot and have to tell several stories over the course of the game. Playing this game is the last thing I remember from Friday, so the rest of this is pieced together from other people’s accounts of the night. After Never Have I Ever, I apparently play several more games of Asshole until I can no longer get all the cards in the deck to line up correctly. At some point before then, I possibly grope Emily’s friend Michael, causing him to forget what he was doing, and I manage to whack my foot really hard on something, the effects of which I only started feeling today. After my pseudo-shuffling skills break down, my friends make me stop drinking, and they eventually put me to bed on a very small sofa. Emily tries to move me onto a bigger couch, but she can’t get me up off the original one, and for a while before I fall asleep, every time someone walks through the room I’m in, I just look at them in a way that proves to be unsettling. Time I got to the party: 8-8:30pm. Time I got put to bed: around 1am.

Saturday: I wake up at 9am, still on the little couch, and with vomit down one side of me. Fantastic, I think to myself. Where are my pajamas? Realizing that I had left my overnight bag in the car, I find my keys, run barefoot to my car, grab my bag, and run back into the house. COLD! I clean myself up, rinse my dress out in the sink, change into my pajamas, and clean the vomit off of the couch and blanket someone draped over me. I realize that someone has left a piece of bread and glass of water next to the couch for me. I eat the bread, drink the water, go to the kitchen and eat two more pieces of break, and drink some more water. At this point, I consider crawling into bed with Andrew, but eventually think the better of it and go back to sleep on a bigger couch. The next time I wake up, it’s around 12:30pm. Emily and Andrew are awake, and we hang out. Emily plays Halo 2 while Andrew and I watch from her bed. He is not wearing a shirt, and I am giving him a back rub and being generally affectionate. Emily’s friend Michael comes back over, and all of us clean up the house. There were probably a dozen people at the party, but to look at the wreckage, you’d think it had been forty. Tom Ollis calls me to tell me he’s in Raleigh and can’t come to the show with me, and I decide that it’s an omen, and that I’ll stay at Emily’s. We get dressed and go to lunch, then Wal-Mart, then to pick up Tresa and go to the movies. Andrew isn’t feeling great and says he’s not going, so Em, Michael, and I get Tresa and go to see “Saw II”, only to have Andrew show up a few minutes before the movie. Adam, who was also at the party the previous night, shows up as well. We watch the movie, and I don’t remember exactly when, but Andrew gets up and leaves with no explanation to anyone. The rest of us decide to go to a haunted house close to Gastonia, and five of us pile into Emily’s jeep and ride from the movie theatre on Rea Road to the haunted house 40 minutes away. I am in the back seat with Michael and Adam, which is definitely not the worst place to end up. We arrive at the haunted house around 11pm, the line is horrific, and it is absolutely freezing outside. After waiting in line for god knows how long, Emily gets a call from Andrew, who apparently was feeling bad again and fell asleep in his car somewhere, or so he says. He decides to join us at the haunted house, and although the drive takes him 45 minutes, he still gets there before we make it in. Now all of us stand in line, huddled together for warmth, for another 20-30 minutes, and we finally go in. We form a human chain, and I am in between Adam and Emily, clutching both of them seemingly for dear life. At one point, they tell us to keep out right hand along the wall and just follow that to get into the next room. I do not do this. I wrap both of my arms around Adam and do not let go for anything until I can see where we’re going again. All of us remain locked together until we exit the haunted house practically at a run. We go back to the car. It is now 1:30am, and all of us are freezing. Tresa rides with Andrew in his jeep, and the rest of us get into Emily’s jeep. We take Adam back to his car, and after picking up some food from Jack In The Box, we head back to Emily’s house. Emily, Andrew, Michael, Tresa, and myself decide to play Asshole. We play maybe half a dozen rounds, none of which involve me inappropriately touching anyone, and all of which I remember. After changing into pajamas, we all crash. With the time change, we go to bed at maybe 4am.

Today: I wake up, look at the clock, and after determining that it’s before noon, I roll over and go back to sleep. I wake up again. It’s around 1pm, and Emily walks through the room and tells me to go back to sleep, but after lazing about for a couple of minutes, I get up. Andrew goes to get us food, and while we eat, we watch Emily play some more Halo 2. Andrew and I go into his room, and they both play on X-Box Live while I watch and snuggle with him. At some point, I get up, wash my hair in the bathroom sink, and get dressed. Throughout the watching, I notice a pain in my foot. When I finally look at it, there is a small scrape and a bruise. Emily notices me looking at it and tells me what happened. I don’t remember any of it. I resume watching in Andrew’s room, and I get a phone call from George asking me how the party was and telling me Quinn won the costume competition. After I get off the phone, and after considerably more gaming, Andrew and I have a brief conversation in which I ask him if he’s interested in me. He tells me he’s not. I am Jack’s raging loneliness and disappointment. Emily and Andrew play some more, then Andrew leaves to go somewhere, and Emily and I watch lots of CSI, Bones, and Family Guy. Pizza is ordered, and we eat. At about 10:30pm, I thank Emily for letting me hang out with them all weekend, and I drive home to Kings Mountain. Finally.

And there you have it, kids. A full account of my weekend, minus some of what I can only assume are amusing details from the hour or two I can’t remember of Friday night. Andrew is a cuddle whore and not interested in me, which I’m pretty sure I already knew, but it was still hard to hear. It cast a tinge of sadness over the rest of my day. It’s not that I even like him that much, it’s that another possibility is gone, another hope crushed. I’ll get over my disappointment eventually, but right now, I’m kind of drained and in a funk. I’ll post the pic of me in my costume sometime tomorrow. This post has now reached critical mass. Catch you guys later.

I had a good walk today. The air was really crisp and clean. It made my thoughts feel sharper, my mind clearer. I thought about lots of things while I was walking. I thought about the situation in which I find myself, the married man, what the best course of action to take would be. I found myself wondering how long it would be before the pros are outweighed by the cons. I found myself wishing I could just walk and walk until I couldn’t walk anymore, until I left all of my problems behind. Until I left myself behind. I wanted to walk until all I was was the sound of my own breath in my ears, my heartbeat, my feet propelling me forward into a future where my pain was nothing more than a distant memory. I let the sound of my breath and the blood rushing in my ears and my feet hitting the pavement lull me, my endorphins carrying me away from all of my complications. And then I came back. I came back to down to Earth, back to my life where all I can do is own my problems and do the best I can with what’s available to me. I can only be grateful that I recognize most of my problems. To say that I recognize them all, or that I could fix them all, would be false, and I don’t have that kind of conceit in me right now. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to be a good person, a feat which proves to be harder than it seems sometimes. I’m trying hard to love myself, also harder than it seems, but I’m still trying. Still trying. Holding on.

I really want to watch horror movies curled up on the couch with someone who deeply cares for me. To just exsist in the same space and know that I am safe and accepted. I’m glad I’m going to Emily’s Halloween party tomorrow night. Despite my wicked crush on her roommate Andrew, I know the party will be a good time to be had by all. Jell-O shots, beer pong, and a visit to the drive-through zoo the next day before I see the closing performance of Bug. I’m still pondering my costume. The front-runner right now is the devil in a blue dress, for which I have the perfect strapless, clingy blue dress with slits up both sides. Combined with my black stilettos, I might very well be mistaken for the devil in that outfit. I’ll make sure somebody takes a picture of me so I can share it with you guys.

I went to rehearsal tonight to take the actors’ measurements and get the ball rolling for Intim@te E-pistles. All three of the actors are really nice, and very willing to play ball and bring me things to look at from their own wardrobes. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
After I left the rehearsal, I called up my friend Tom O. to see if I could take him his notebook that I had in my car, and he said sure, so I went over to his house. He made me a Henry Rollins mix CD in return for my making him a copy of The Killers “Hot Fuss” CD. Henry Rollins rocked my socks on the drive home, by the way. The CD is awesome! After his wife Lisa came home and the CD was done burning, they invited me to stay for dinner, which was pizza from Ci Ci’s. Delicious indeed. We had some great conversation, watched some Oprah (which wasn’t half bad, to my surprise), and bummed around in general. It was nice to hang out with people. After running backstage for three weeks and returning to the social wasteland of Kings Mountain, I was starting to have some withdrawal issues. And I’m glad it was Tom. I just love him to pieces, and it was great to finally have a chance to talk to his wife. I’d met her briefly before, but we hadn’t had a real conversation until tonight. I’m going to teach her how to sew, which I’m sure will be a barrel of monkeys. In a good way.
I finally left their house at about 11:15pm, after having been there since 7:30pm. Rollins kept me company on the drive home, of course, and as soon as I got home, I turned on the tv and worked out during Real Time with Bill Maher. Now Real Sex is on. It’s one that I’ve seen before, but it’s still captivating. Guess I’ll be masturbating tonight before I can get any sleep.

Here’s my quote for the night: “Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere!”

Music of the Moment: “Garden State” soundtrack

The production meeting for Intim@te E-pistles went well. The director gave me some important notes and told me to run with it. From the sound of it, the show will be a piece of cake. Let’s just hope that I’m right this time, as I said that about Bug as well, and that turned out to be too many cooks in the kitchen. Oh well. I also spoke with Kimberly, the friend of Suzy’s, who gave me a sewing commission having never seen any of my work. I brought my portfolio with my to Charlotte just in case, but she walked in with the pattern and the fabric and gave me the particulars. I’m getting paid a flat fee of $100 (no saying I told you so, Tom), and I have a couple of weeks to finish it. It definitely won’t take that long, and I’d like to have it done by next week, but it’s good to know I have some wiggle room.
I would have posted earlier, but my internet was down for a little while, not to mention the fact that I was sitting in gridlocked traffic on I-85 for at least half an hour on my drive home from Charlotte. Luckily, I was listening to a good, calm CD, so I didn’t go full-on postal and rage all over the highway. I’m a patient person, but sometimes traffic makes me crazy. As the few people who have ever seen me lose my temper can tell you, it is terrible to behold. But none of that happened tonight. I was grooving along with the “Garden State” soundtrack, which is mellow and completely awesome. Now I really want to watch that movie. I think I’ll do that later tonight. Hooray for DVDs.

Today was closing night of God’s Country. The final performance went well, and most people were sad to see it end. We went to the cast party at Kathryn’s house afterwards, which was an interesting time. I got pretty well molested. Was coerced into making out with Phil, who is 51, for a picture, and for another picture, Myk grabbed my boobs from behind to make them more shelf-like so someone could set a cookie on top of them. There were crumbs and melted chocolate, which I unfortunately had to clean up myself. Oh well. I almost made out with Kathryn for the video diary we were making for our director, who couldn’t be there, but her husband put a stop to that. I’ll see most of the people at strike tomorrow. I’ll be handing out business cards, and I hope people will stay in touch. I met some pretty cool people during this show.

Now I’m watching George play football on X-Box. Just unwinding before bed. I’ll probably read some more of my book before I go to sleep. Night people.

The show was really good tonight. Everybody was on target, and things just went really well. I went out to a bar with the married guy and got a bit goofy. He’s been trying to get me to make out with women in the bar, which doesn’t bother me, especially after a couple of drinks. The bad thing is that I smell faintly of smoke now, so I’ll definitely need to take a shower in the morning. I got kind of worked up at the bar, being the affectionate minx that I am, so now I’m a little horny. It’s unfortunate that I probably won’t get to have sex again this weekend, maybe not for another whole month, but I knew what bed I was getting into when I made it. It’s not like I’d be getting regular sex anywhere else. The vodka is not helping the sex drive tonight, but alas, it never does. Maybe I’ll wake up with enough motivation to exercise and post again when my typing isn’t so slow and inconsistant. I’ll tell you about what happened backstage tomorrow sometime, but right now, it’s time for this crazy ass to get some sleep and rest these eyes stinging from the smoky bar.

Things to do today: take a shower and get dressed, call Carl (as he asked me to when we spoke yesterday night), pick up Steve from school, meet Mom and Sean for dinner, then drive to Davidson with them to see She Loves Me

Sean is directing She Loves Me later this year for Greater Shelby Community Theatre. He’s pretty much recruited me to do costumes, and he wants me to audition for the show as well. I think my whole nuclear family will be auditioning, and if we all get cast, it will be a family affair just like it was back in elementary school. It would be fun to perform again. I don’t know if my Charlotte work schedule will give me the time to work on and be in a show at home though. I’m about to start reading the script for my next costume design, Intim@te E-pistles. I did not come up with that spelling, in case anyone cares. I’m not sure of the particulars of the plot, but there are three characters, and it’s modern-day, so it should be a piece of cake. Thank god the actors can use their own clothing this time. After the debacle with the director at Actor’s Theatre, I’ll be glad to work with someone who doesn’t change their mind every two days and buy costume pieces without even consulting me. I’ll be going to see that show next weekend with a friend of mine. I wonder how the nudity looks… One thing I was guaranteed not to argue about with the director. At least I’m getting paid for that one. The money and my friend Carrie, the stage manager, were the only things keeping me going during that production week.

Oh well. Time to hit the showers.

Business Casual

Originally uploaded by jujufruit1983.

I finally figured it out. I can be such a computer moron sometimes. Here is that pic I was telling you about. Isn’t he one sexy bitch? This pic makes me want to jump him all over again. Mmmmm, chocolate…

Carl’s Headshot

Originally uploaded by jujufruit1983.

This is the aforementioned Carl. I have a really nice pic of him in a button down shirt with his tie untied, but it’s in the wrong format to post on here. I was so head over heels for Carl. I was a mess romantically that year. I’ll see if I can get him to send me the other pic in the appropriate format so I can share it with you guys. He’s about 6′4″ with a swimmer’s body, cool hands, and soft lips. The time we kissed, he told me I was a champ. Gotta love a man who knows how to give a compliment. He’ll always be close to my heart. Carl, if you’re reading this, come and get me when you finish college. I might be in grad school, but if you come and get me, I’ll be with you.

Life has been so strange lately. I’m part of a surreal relationship situation, and I can’t say it hasn’t taken it’s emotional toll on me. He called me his lover the other day, and I’m not sure why, but it surprised me. The way the word sounded in his mouth was foreign somehow. I feel like a full-fledged mistress, complete with his secret e-mail address, although I know it’s just sex, that we don’t love each other. The few people I’ve discussed my situation with have asked me if his wife knows about us, to which I emphatically reply that she does not, nor will she ever if I have any say in the matter. The attention is so nice I don’t know if I could refuse him. We went out to a bar on Saturday and got a bit drunk. We were very publicly affectionate, which was unusual, but extremely fun. After having a discussion about me being bisexual, he really wanted to watch me make out with a girl in the bar, but despite our efforts, we couldn’t find anyone willing. It was so good to feel his hands on me, to know the passion I inspired in him. I felt so sexy and powerful, really turned on. It makes me sad to think I’ll have to give it up eventually. Even though it magnifies my emotional loneliness, it temporarily sates my need for attention and good sex. Damn, I wish I had a steady boyfriend! I wonder why I can’t seem to get it together… No, I don’t need to start down that depressing road with all the self-doubt and irrational criticism. At least I know I won’t have to regret not having sex with him. Love is the only thing I’m missing. The search continues as I let my sex drive take over my reason for a little while. Feeling ho-ish, but I’d rather have the attention while I wait for the absent love. *sigh* I’m sure I’ll stop talking about this eventually.

- I was born in Baltimore, MD, on the 11th floor of Mercy Hospital. My birthday is May 17th, which makes me a Taurus on the cusp of Gemini.
- My parents have a 16 year age difference, my father being only four years younger than my mom’s father was.
- I hit my growth spurt pretty early, making me taller than most of my classmates for a little while. This is one of the reasons I have a strong attraction to tall men. That, and they make me feel smaller and more feminine.
- My favorite color is blue, and I almost always wear it.
- I’m a natural blonde, although I used to dye my hair dark red for 11 years.
- Throughout my life, I’ve struggled mightily with depression and bad self-esteem, and I attempted suicide when I was 11 by taking about three dozen pills. Since then, I made a promise that I would never attempt suicide again.
- I lost my virginity when I was 15, and since then, I’ve slept with a total of eight people, two of whom were women. I consider myself to be bisexual with a strong preference for men.
- My favorite artist is M.C. Escher, and I have a picture of his as my desktop wallpaper.
- My favorite drink is a tie between a Midori sour and an amaretto sour. I like sweet, girly drinks, although I recently have learned to drink beer.
- My sense of self used to center on being one of the smartest kids in my class. If I wasn’t the smart one, I didn’t know who I was. I have since developed more confidence and recognize many more good qualities in myself.
- I love to make out. I almost like making out more than having sex. Almost. Kissing is so much fun!
- I used to hate my freckles, but now they don’t bother me. They do make me look awfully young sometimes though.
- I want to be a professional costumer, and I love to work backstage during a show. I act and sing recreationally for community theatre sometimes. I started out as a performer, my first stage appearance being at 7 months old. I was the baby Jesus.
- After a night out dancing in a club, I’m almost always ready to have sex. The endorphins get pumping through my system, and all that grinding on the dance floor combined with the several drinks I’m likely to have had get me amped up.
- The only things I really must do in my life to be happy are get happily married and have children. This surprises many of my friends for some reason.
- I have six tattoos and one piercing. No, it’s not my belly button. I have my hood pierced, and if you don’t know what that is, you should bone up on your anatomy. It’s the female equivalent of foreskin. Think about it.
- I’m an avid reader. Some of my favorite writers are Stephen King, Alastair Reynolds, Alexander McCall Smith, and David Sedaris. I met David Sedaris and got him to sign one of my books when he did a reading at UNCW.
- Speaking of college, I attended the University of North Carolina at Wilmington and graduated magna cum laude in December of 2004, which was a semester early.
- I learned how to sew when I was 14. I also know how to crochet and knit. I taught myself how to knit after my grandmother died last summer, having failed to learn it from her many years prior to that.
- My total weight loss to date is 60 pounds, down from my all-time high of 235. I still have 25 or 30 more pounds to go before I reach my ultimate goal.
- I speak some French and a very little bit of Italian. Guys with an accent from anywhere in Europe sound so sexy.
- I love getting compliments, being essentially insecure, and I try to accept them well. They make me blush, though. One of my friends called me voluptuous the other day, and I know I turned bright pink.
- I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I’ve lived through some horrible break-ups, a suicide attempt and many considerations, a sexual assault when I was very young, lifelong depression and self-esteem problems, and heart wrenching loneliness. I am strong, and I’ve made it through relatively well-adjusted and successful. I just wish I didn’t have to face all these situations where I have to be strong. It makes me feel so stretched thin and tired sometimes.
- I am afraid of spiders, falling from heights, swimming in water I can’t see through, and being alone for the rest of my life.
- I love having my picture taken, and am a shameless ham in front of a camera. I like that someone likes me enough to want to look at me and remember me when I’m not there. I take good photos, and I’m told that I’m photogenic.
- I love travelling, and I’ve been to 30 states and Canada, England, Scotland, France, Italy, and Israel. On my list of places to go are Germany, Ireland, Egypt, Australia, and Japan. At least one country in every continent, barring Antarctica.
- Since my grandma died, I’ve become my mother’s primary confidante. Hearing about all the abusive, stupid shit my step-dad says to her makes my heart sick with pain, and I wish I could do more for her. I hope they get divorced soon. I’m not a violent person, but I really wish I could beat the shit out of him sometimes.
- I’m more sensitive than most people think. It helps that I have a background in acting, and I’ve become rather skilled at hiding my pain. Smart people make the best liars.
- I’m very affectionate, and am a bit of a hugslut. When people touch me, it helps remind me that I’m still attractive and desireable. I love to curl up on the couch, wrapped up in somebody’s arms and watching a movie or what have you. I can never get too many hugs.

I’m going to stop now, as this post has become very long, and I’m making myself a bit depressed. If there’s anything you’d like to know, just ask me. I love answering questions. I’m feeling a bit emotionally run-down after this outstandingly strange week. I need to get some sleep and recharge my emotional batteries before I start crying about random things again. Yes, I did that a little bit tonight. The fight with Tom combined with my recent whoring around and the ever-present loneliness that pervades everything I do have proved a poisonous mixture. I need love, or in the absense of that, at least a strong pair of arms to hold me until I feel better. Thankfully, tomorrow is another day and another chance to be happier. Don’t worry too much about me. I’m strong. I’ll make it.

I had a moment of epiphany on the drive home from Charlotte tonight. I decided to go to poker with the cast and crew instead of the devils and angels party. The guy who invited me said he didn’t know if he really wanted to go or not, and I said cool, and to call me if he wanted to hang out, but he never called. I was wearing the devil shirt I had picked out, which disrupted the poker game on more than one occasion. I wish I had a picture of me in it so I could share it with you guys; understated black on black snake print tank top with built in underwire, so I wore no other bra. The director and one of the actors nearly dropped their teeth when I came in. Anyway, I hung out with them, not actually playing poker, but having fun all the same. The game went on until 3am, and the remaining guys thanked me for letting them ogle me for several hours. I was flattered, believe it or not. I thought about the married guy a bit over the course of the night. He wasn’t there, but earlier, I had had a conversation about him with my friend Jenny. I expressed my concerns to her, and she flat out told me that I was too good a person to ever act on my attraction to him. “I’m the one who does that, not you. You’re caring and compassionate and thoughtful. You’d worry about it, but never actually do anything to get yourself in trouble. You would never initiate it.” Does this girl have me pegged or what? The more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. I’m incapable of causing someone (i.e. his wife) that much pain deliberately. So here comes my driving-home epiphany. I know I won’t do anything with him. It’s pure and simple infatuation, and I’ve been craving love so badly that I projected a bit of that onto him. Yes, he’s attractive and magnetic, but I don’t love him, and I doubt I ever would. The worst that might happen is us curling up on a couch together and watching some movies. I am no longer worried that might do something I would regret. I am no longer directing my unslaked thirst for love and affection into my physical infatuation with him. That being said, after getting sort of stood up tonight and reflecting on my painful lack of a loving partner, I am pretty lonely and sad. Still insecure despite all the weight loss and psychological reflection and breakthrough. *sigh* I hope I feel better after I get some sleep…

I was working backstage during God’s Country rehearsal tonight, and I ended up having a very *ahem* interesting conversation with one of the guys, whom I talked about in earlier entries. I don’t know how we managed to find ourselves at this subject, but most of our conversation was about sex. For those of you who know me well, you know I don’t shy away from the subject. In fact, I’ve been known to talk about it at great length. This conversation was almost surreal. It was initiated by him, and parts of it made my face absolutely burn. He was very candid and flirtatious. My heart is beating a little faster just thinking about it. He made some comments in the neighborhood of, “If you like a lot of sex, don’t get married.” I made some comment about having slept with a man his age. I couldn’t even believe the words were coming out of my mouth. I was talking about the devils and angels party, in reference to my costume possibilities, saying I had more devil clothes than angel clothes. He asked me what I meant by that, and I mentioned revealing and/or provocative things. He asked me to describe some of them, and I did. I’m glad I was working on some hand sewing during this conversation because I don’t know what I would have done after prolonged eye contact. I was blushing as it was. At one point, someone tripped a breaker, and the lights in the dressing room went out. I stood up to find out what had happened, and he jokingly asked if I was leaving because I was afraid of being alone in the dark with him. I laughingly said that didn’t scare me at all, and he said that I didn’t know what he was capable of. I countered by telling him he didn’t know what I was capable of. So original of me, I know. I wish I knew how much of the conversation was a joking and how much was serious. I’m so confused by the situation. I really wish I didn’t like him. Being attracted to married guys is no fun for a girl with a conscience. I wonder where our next conversation will take us…

Two guys honked their car horns at me today, one of whom I thought was going to crash his car turning around to look at me. This was a slightly surreal experience for me, not being used to this kind of attention. And a guy blew me a kiss when I let him and his friends across the street in front of my car. I just do not know what to make of all this. Guys are calling me and wanting to meet me and honking at me on the street. I wasn’t aware people thought I was hot enough for that. I also talked to a 27 year-old college student named Michael today while I was walking around the city. He called me up, and we talked so long that my phone battery ran completely out, leaving me unable to communicate for about seven hours. Of course, several people tried to get in touch with me when my phone was dead, one of whom thinks that I just don’t want to answer my phone when he calls, which is not true. I feel horrible that I missed his call, and I left him a voicemail, but I’m sure he thinks I’m blowing him off. I don’t want to be that girl. I’m not that girl. Another girl I don’t want to be is the kind with a crush on a married man, but alas, I am that girl. Shame on me for even thinking it, but he’s just so magnetic and intense. I can’t stop looking at him the entire time we’re in a room together. I feel horrible about it though. I’ve met his wife, and I can’t imagine doing anything to hurt her, I just can’t get him out of my mind. I haven’t told him yet, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. I’m totally at a loss for what to do in this situation.
In other news, my car got towed today when I was parked at Actor’s Theatre of Charlotte. I went to the theatre, and no one was there at the moment, so I decided to kill some time and go for a walk. When I got back, my car was gone, and I had a mini panick attack for a couple of minutes while the executive director of the theatre helped me find out if it had been towed or stolen. Luckily, I was able to get it back without paying anything, as he explained to the towing guys that I was new and hadn’t been told the parking lot was privately owned. He gave me a hang tag for my rear-view mirror, so it will never happen again. I would have seriously broken down and cried if my car had been stolen. *shudders at the thought* I got a minor sunburn from being outside in the sun so much today. Wish I wasn’t so damn pale sometimes.
On a lighter note, the costumes are coming along well for God’s Country. I had a great conversation with the man playing Alan Berg, whose name is Tom Ollis, while we were waiting for someone to come open the theatre. He’s a sweetie pie and really funny. When everyone was sitting in the audience getting line notes from the stage manager, and I was getting up to have a meeting with the director in the lobby, he turned to me completely straight-faced and said, “Can I tell everybody we’ve slept together?” Without missing a beat, I told him absolutely, of course he could, which gave us both a giggle. When I came back from the meeting, he asked, “How did you like making out with the director?” Me: “It was awesome!” This guy is going to be my partner in crime for sure during this show. I can’t wait to go to rehearsal again tomorrow.

So I’ve actually gotten some decent responses from this craigslist ad. I got invited to a happy hour up in Lake Norman tomorrow to meet this guy named Dan, and I’m thinking about going. I said I would have dinner with Dad and Steve tomorrow night though, so I might go late. I don’t know. Lake Norman is an awfully long way to drive just to have a couple of drinks with some guy I’ve never met. He kind of didn’t understand when I was joking on AIM, and he sort of came across as an asshole at times, so I don’t know. What do you guys think?
I’m almost afraid to write about the guys I like in case they end up reading this. Of course, them reading my insane, insecure ramblings probably wouldn’t be the best thing either. Yay body image problems! The full disclosure should probably wait until they know about all my good qualities, but that’s probably a pipe dream as some of my best friends don’t even know about all of my good qualities. My mind is full of so many questions right now. How much should you know about a guy before you go to meet him? When do you let the insecurities out of the bag? What is an acceptable level of sharing for someone you met online two days ago? How picky should I be? How picky can I afford to be? What is a good date these days? Will I be any good at dating considering I’ve probably been on four real dates in my life?
Am I worrying needlessly? Probably. Am I just a head case? Entirely possible. At least Jeremy and Tom will stick with me…

My last post was kind of wigged out, but I’m back to normal now. Well, as back to normal as I ever get. I posted a personal ad on craigs list yesterday, and I’ve been getting interesting e-mails all morning and afternoon. For some reason, guys twice my age think I’d be the perfect woman for them. This one 43-year-old guy has been trying to get me to tell him about my piercing, all the while telling me that fate brought the two of us together so he could be my guide on my life journey. I have to say, what a load of horse shit. I’m sure this guy is nice and all, but he is certainly not for me. He sent me some pic of him with his face half turned away from the camera nuzzling a little white dog named Woji. The youngest guy who answered my ad so far is 25, which is perfectly acceptable, and he seems very nice. Several guys in their early thirties with corporate jobs e-mailed me as well. I’ve e-mailed everyone back in the hope of finding a rare gem amidst the rubble. We’ll see how it goes. I let you all know if the earth crashes into the sun and I find Mr. Right on there. I’m sure no one will be able to shut me up if that miracle of science occurs.
I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule some more, so I am yet again dead tired. At this point, I’m hoping to stay awake through dinner time, or at least long enough to eat the safe minimum amount of calories for the day. At least I got my exercise in before I got to my living dead phase. Kanye West was the heartbeat that kept me alive on the trip back home from Charlotte today. Leave me some love in the comments. I need lovin’.

I’ve been kind of down the last couple of days. Being alone in the house most of the day is getting to me, and I’m a bit stir crazy. I swear, as soon as this show is over, I’m finding at least a part-time job. I have GOT to get the hell out of here. I had a small meltdown last night wondering whether I’ll ever be able to support myself financially. Thank god Tom was there (on AIM) to talk me down from my panic. I know it was irrational and silly. I just get that way sometimes. After a period of six months when both my mom and step-dad were out of work at the same time when I was in middle school, I’m intensely paranoid about being poor. I can still barely look at a plate of macaroni and cheese without bad memories. I’ve never lived on my own, and the looming prospect of it is slightly terrifying. I’m sure I’ll get past it, but I tend to worry. Just the way I am.
I was also talking to my friend Jason tonight, and somehow got myself into a funk about relationships. This girl he’s dating saw an innocent message I left him on AIM, totally flipped, and sent me a message back telling me I’d better not make flirty comments like that because she’s his girlfriend and she doesn’t take them very lightly. Let me tell you, folks, I could have said a LOT worse, and my message was ambiguous at best. This chick needs to back up a little and assess her mental state. Jason, of course, says that she’s not really his girlfriend, that they’re just kind of dating. I saw this coming a mile away. I was talking to him about sometimes getting the feeling that I’ll never find the right guy, or in fact, any guy. Completely wrong and irrational, I know. I have my bad days. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me that if he was in a different place in his life, he’d date me in a heartbeat. This is sweet of him, and I know he’s sincere, but somehow, it’s just not that comforting. Where are the guys who want to date me now? Not using me for sex, not giving me false hope and promptly ripping my heart out, but the good guys who are genuinely interested in a relationship (which will probably include a whole lotta sex). I need to move out of this stupid small town.
You’ve survived this rant, and amazingly, so have I. Congrats to us both.

Song of the Moment: “Drive Slow” by Kanye West

I stayed up all night in an effort to reset my sleep clock. Again. I think I was meant to be nocturnal, but that doesn’t seem to be good for holding down jobs and maintaining relationships and the like, so I’ll try to change my ways. I worked out around 11:30am, then I took a shower, went to get my hair cut by my friend Ann, then did some grocery shopping, came home, and talked to some people online until I needed to pick my brother up from rehearsal. The tattoo is doing fine. My skin is pretty dry, so I have to put more lotion on it every so often to keep it from feeling crispy. My dad still hasn’t noticed it yet, and I’m not going to tell him. Cowardice, you say? No, just trying to let my father maintain the illusion that his youngest daughter isn’t a part of a growing subculture of which he does not approve. Not that he hasn’t seen all my other tattoos already. He’s an old man, and I like to indulge his patriarchal ideals every now and again. When I finally go to grad school, I’ll be the first one of his four daughters to get a graduate degree in the same academic/career area in which they got their undergrad degree. My oldest sister, Sarah, got her BA in anthropology, and then went back to get her Master’s in nursing. Why she wanted a degree in anthropology I’ll never know. Molly and Jane pulled the same business, although I can’t remember what their degrees are in at the moment. It makes me feel kind of good that I’m the first one who actually knew what they wanted to do before they got a BA in some unrelated field. Hooray for academic focus!
Switching gears, I’ve been taking LOTS of quizzes at Tickle.com as of late, and they are affiliated with a matchmaking service of which I availed myself. I saw a few interesting profiles that had managed to sneak their AIM handles into their profiles, which is forbidden, and I IMed a couple of them. One of them is a real cutie pie who I talked to for a good while about music and theatre and school, among other things. He lives about an hour away, and I can’t wait to talk to him again. I can’t believe I had such good luck to meet a great guy right out of the starting gate. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but everyone keep your fingers crossed for me. He’s smart, funny, kind, and absolutely gorgeous. I’m never that lucky. We’ll see how things progress as we get to know each other.
My brother has been filling me in on all the details of his “love life” recently, sometimes seeking my advice, which is pretty funny to me. I’ve been told by many of my friends that I’m a good listener who gives good advice. I’m amazed that I can give everyone else the perfect advice for their situation, but my own judgement when it comes to relationships is notoriously bad. Can someone explain it to me? Help me be the best Julia I can be, and not the loneliest. *sigh* Talk to you guys later.

Tom decided to enlist me in his Google Talk recording experiment. I am literally talking to him right now for free with the help of my brother’s headset. I know I’m way behind the times to be excited about this, but it’s pretty cool, as Tom is in New York and I’m in North Carolina. It sounds just like being in the room with him. Weird.
I’m waiting for my mom to call me about possible plans to hang out tonight. To those of you who think that’s lame, you obviously don’t know my mom. She’s crazier than I am, hands down, and I love her to death. In high school, all of my friends wished their parents were as cool as she is. I wonder what’s in store for the rest of the night…
Dad is watching John Roberts’ confimation hearing on C-Span 2 right now, and I must say it’s boring as hell. All that roundabout verbal ass-covering and side-stepping. Politics irritate me for so many reasons. I think I might go read some more of my book. Might be back this way later tonight. We’ll see what kind of trouble into which I can get myself.

I got my owl tattoo tonight! Check the earlier post to see the inspiration. My mom came along with me to the tattoo place. I was trying to convince her to get one with me, but she was hesitant and wants to at least find the right design first. I don’t blame her. I’m glad I waited until I had done my research. Tom asked me if he was a bad influence on me, given that I was with him when he got his tattoo, but I have five more tattoos than he does, so I’d say I was long past help before he even thought about getting Tux. He thinks they should carve, “Beyond help,” on my headstone. *smirk* I’ll post a pic of my owl once it heals.
Nobody has bid on my scarves yet on eBay. I hope I can sell them. They really are nice scarves, and I should know, I’ve made a lot of them. Tell all your friends to check them out. Search for “handmade scarf”. There’s a little blurb about me making them in the product description. I know that was a shameless plug, but I’m practically dead on my feet at this point I’m so tired. I’ve ceased to filter the appropriateness of anything I say or do. Except for eating. I managed to have dessert with my mom without blowing my calorie budget. And I lost the several pounds I put on in Dallas eating like a teenager for four days. Hooray for maintaining my weight loss. I’ve still got 25-30 pounds to go until I reach my final goal, but I know I can make it. Hang in there with me, guys. And now, I must wash my new tattoo…

Today was very, very boring. The highlights: I watched some tv, exercised, ate at periodic intervals, took a bunch of online quizzes on Tickle.com, talked online to Tom, Kevin, and my brother Steve, and did some online research for my dad. I thought I was going to go pick up a check in Charlotte so I could buy some material and costuming supplies, but my boss never e-mailed me with a time and place to pick it up, so I can only hope I’ll be able to pick it up tomorrow. The high points of my tv schedule: Bones, House, The West Wing, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Rescue Me, and The Daily Show. Yes, I watched a lot of tv today. I need to get a job. Another job that isn’t practically volunteer work. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love theatre, and I wouldn’t want a career in almost anything else, but the pay at my level sucks hard. I really hope this job and my summer job (which paid better than any of my previous jobs) help me get into grad school. I will absolutely break down and cry if I don’t get into grad school this year. I’m sure I’ll get in eventually, but I really hate sponging off of my dad like this. He says he’ll help me out as long as I need him to, but I wish I could support myself, even just enough to cover my food and gas. I might start selling handmade scarves and assorted goodies on ebay. I hear some people make out pretty well on there. Rent is a faraway dream to me. I probably won’t be able to support myself until after grad school, and that thought makes me kind of ill. I worry about it a lot sometimes, wondering if I’ll ever be able to move away from home and be a real adult. I won’t feel like a full-fledged grown up until I don’t have to depend on anyone else to pay my bills. *sigh*

I woke up early today so I could drive my brother to his tech theatre work session, and I thought I might take a nap, but then I ended up working out, and I decided to stay awake and try to reset my sleep clock. I need to stop staying up all night and sleeping during the day. Lack of sleep combined with my hormones caused me to become crazily emotional earlier today to the point that I got so upset I cried while having a conversation/argument with one of my friends. I definitely need some sleep. Before I rounded the bend, I was considering going to karaoke at Ham’s, but that’s pretty much out now. I just have to laugh at my brother, though, because he stayed at Mom’s house by himself, hoping to spend time with his new girlfriend who lives within walking distance, only to find out that she’s grounded and at her grandmother’s house. I feel bad for him, but I just have to giggle.
I’m so tired and distracted right now it would be pointless for me to try to write anything else until I get some sleep. And with that, I bid you good evening.

owl

Originally uploaded by jujufruit1983.

Check out this cute little owl I found online. I’m considering this design (sans text) for a tattoo in honor of my grandmother, who died last summer. She collected owls, and to me, they always stood for wisdom and reminded me of her. We shared a love of books (Stephen King in particular), knitting and crocheting, struggles with weight, and an enduring love of our family, among other things. I miss her a lot. Every time I see an owl, real or in a picture, I know she’s always with me. With my mom, it’s dragonflies. I’m not sure why they remind her of her mother, but we have the same reaction. *sigh* No grandparents left.

Song of the Moment: “Bubble, Pop, Electric” by Gwen Stefani

Flight of the Conchords are two of the fucking funniest guys I’ve ever seen. These two kind of dorky-hot guys from New Zealand who do a folk music parody act totally rocked my socks! I enthusiastically urge you to check them out as soon as possible. I was doing my workout as I was watching/listening to them, and I almost had to stop in the middle of a couple of sets I was laughing so hard. Now I’m watching Real Sex, which is probably a bad idea considering my current sex-to-masturbation ratio. There are some British sex therapists guest hosting and helping a different couple every week, and I must say, it’s very amusing. There’s a riding crop that reminds me of Psycho Beach Party… a story for another time.
I’d better change the subject before I go too far down that path. I’ve been knitting squares for a new blanket that’s in the works. I’m making it from different shades of blue, which is my favorite color, and I hope I’ll have enough squares in the next month or so. If I was working on it more regularly, it would probably be done by now, but you know how that goes. I still have to figure out exactly how I want to link them all up. I’ll consult my crafty books.
Speaking of crafts, I ran into my friend Ashley’s mom today in the grocery store (yes, I was grocery shopping. Get over it.), and in the midst of filling her in on what I’ve been up to, I mentioned that I’m trying to learn pattern drafting. It turns out that she knows someone who knows a woman who literally made her living drafting patterns for Land’s End. On my behalf, she’s going to contact this woman to see if she’d be willing to teach me pattern drafting, for which I grovel at her feet. I really need to learn pattern drafting for grad school, at least if I still try to get into NC School of the Arts. UIUC teaches it in their grad curriculum, so I’m fully qualified for that program already.
That reminds me, I need to update my resume and portfolio. Five shows over the summer and more on the way. I hope I can take out some of my college stuff. At the very least, I might take out my CAD drawings. Nobody ever wants to look at those anyway. If you check out my Flickr pics, there’s a photo of a dress I made this summer. Everyone thought it was really hot, and the girl wearing it actually paid to keep it. *warm fuzzies in my heart*
I’m all over the place. Maybe I should get some sleep…

Song of the Moment: “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand

Here are some links to some of the craziest shit I’ve ever read online.
“Planes, Trains, and Plaintains: The story of Oedipus”
“I Fucked Ann Coulter In The Ass, Hard”

IMG_0390

Originally uploaded by jujufruit1983.

Finally, a recent picture of me so all you lovely people can know who you’re dealing with! This is the Red Tank Top of Doom, for anyone who’s read that post.

Song of the Moment: “Bend and Break” by Keane

I kind of wigged out on Tom earlier. Sorry Tom. I don’t know what got into me. You get kind of smug when you talk about how much better your comp is than the rest of ours. I guess it just hit me wrong tonight. Sorry again. We’ll talk again soon.
On a lighter note, I went to pick my brother up from his rehearsal today and ended up having a great conversation with my former technical theatre teacher. My brother got cast as Eddie, the father in Lost In Yonkers, which he played before a couple of years ago. Mama B. (Mrs. Burgin to the rest of you) absolutely gushed over how great I look, and grilled me on what’s going on in my life. I told her about my job in Charlotte, and it turns out that she’s good friends with my director, John Hartness. I also got to talk to Mr. Padgett, the drama teacher and co-director of all high school shows. These two teachers have been two of the most supportive and wonderful people a girl could ever hope to meet. Even now, they have nothing but encouragement and kind words for me, and if it hadn’t been for them and the SHS drama department, my high school career would have been a lot darker. These people helped me out of my shell and gave me the tools I needed to really fulfill my potential. Their love is with me always, and I owe much of my success to them.
Wow, that was pretty mushy back there. Let’s move away from that now, as I tell you about some other things. I recently downloaded the game Feeding Frenzy, and I absolutely cannot stop playing it. I can’t wait to beat the whole game so I can win all the screen savers. I’m considering buying Insaniquarium as well, having used up my free trial. Another thing I did today is e-mail a guy who popped up as one of my matches on eHarmony.com. Yes, I filled out the personality questionnaire, and I know I shouldn’t even be concerned with finding The One at this point in my life, but as any of my good friends can tell you, I just can’t help myself. I’m not desperate enough to pay for being able to communicate through the site, but this guy put his e-mail address in his profile, and he lives in Kings Mountain as well, so I couldn’t just pass him by. I’m not naive enough to presume that this guy is my soulmate, but there’s no harm in getting to know him and maybe going out on a few dates while I’m here, is there? Maybe I can even stop being a spaz long enough to find a boyfriend. Don’t scoff. Miracles have been known to happen.

Exercise: I did one of the strength training workouts from the Self Magazine website this morning. It was surprisingly a lot easier and shorter than I thought it would be. Don’t worry. I still broke a sweat.

In an amazing and unforseen turn of events, Tom has invited me to go to Dallas, TX, this weekend! My flight is tomorrow morning at 8:30-ish, and I can hardly wait! I’ll leave it to Tom to tell you all the sordid details of how this trip came about. Suffice it to say, I’m looking forward to seeing Tom for the first time in over a year and a half, not to mention getting the hell out of the Shelby/Kings Mountain area for a few days. For those of you helping me stay on track with my exercise, don’t worry. There’s a gym in the hotel, and I’m sure we’ll be doing a good bit of walking around while sightseeing. A gym, you say? Yes, and 24-hour room service, and a pool, and… I have to save some of it for posting after I get back or you won’t have anything to look forward to. I’ve taken it upon myself to be activities coordinator for this trip, and I’m currently researching all sorts of interesting things to see and do and cool places to eat while we’re there. I’m sure one night is going to be devoted to getting shithoused, fucked-in-half drunk, which ought to be fantastic as I haven’t done so for a long while. I’ll keep a travel journal and post everything on here when I’m back in NC.
On the work front, I have an appointment today to look through the costume storage of Greater Shelby Community Theatre. Hopefully, I’ll find things I can use in the show. I already know they have KKK robes (from The Foreigner), and I’m hoping to find nice suits to use for two of the central characters. Most of the actors are providing their own pants and shoes, so that’s a load off my mind. I have more listmaking to do before I go over there tonight. Cross your fingers for me.
My mom will be coming with me to look through the costume storage, being the principal costumer for GSCT herself, and afterwards we might go hang out with some friends of ours, which I hope will turn out to be the case. I have to leave my house by 5:30am tomorrow though, so no hard partying for me. I think I’ll ask Mom if she’ll give me a haircut before I go. For anyone who doesn’t know, she used to be a professional hairdresser before I was born until she was forced into another line of work by leg problems.
And now, back to list making and travel planning…

So here is my first exercise post: I worked out for 20-25 minutes tonight. Lunges, reverse lunge/front kick combos, push-ups, tricep dips, and step aerobics-like one minute intervals. These are some of the workout-at-home moves that I learned from my former trainer.

Yesterday was truly one of the most peculiar days I’ve had in a long time, and I am glad that it’s over, although parts of it were a lot of fun. Today was, by all measures, much calmer and more normal (i.e.boring). I picked my brother up from school, filled up my gas tank, ate some food, went to my production meeting in Charlotte, then came home, hooked up my webcam, and am now writing to you good people. The meeting went well, and I reported all of my relevant things to the director and stage manager. I have an appointment to look through Greater Shelby Community Theatre’s costume storage later this week, and the director just made my life a hell of a lot simpler by agreeing that all the actors should wear the same pants the whole show due to multiple character quick change issues. A couple of the actors walked in toward the end of the meeting, one of whom is a cutie who caught my eye at the previous rehearsal I attended. I haven’t had the chance to speak to him outside the context of work yet. In fact, I don’t even know if he’s single, married, gay, or whatever. What I do know is that he has the most amazing blue eyes that seem to look right into me. He appreciated the funny shirt I wore the night I took everyone’s measurements, and he made a comment every time I asked a costume related question during the 20 Questions game. I also thought I saw his eyes sweep my body when he saw me, which wouldn’t be surprising because the girls are out full force tonight in a low-cut tank top. It’s also possible that I imagined it, projecting what I hoped he was thinking. I’ll have to do some reconnaissance and update you guys later. I’m boy crazy, which I’m sure comes as no surprise to anyone who’s read my previous posts or knows me in the slightest. Just ask Tom. I had a crush on all of his roommates in college, as well as dozens of other guys I came across in my campus travels. Too bad I was too shy to talk to most of them. I can be such a dork. And with that, I’m going to have some dinner and read my science fiction novel.