How many times have I felt like this?  How many times have I sunken into this bleak malaise that lingers on and on?  I’ve been by myself all day.  My roommate is gone on business matters.  I called the two friends I’ve been hanging out with a lot lately, but neither one of them answered or called me back.  One my way to the store, I even stopped by one of their apartments to say hi, but he wasn’t home.  I don’t know why it made me so sad.  No, that’s a lie.  It made me sad because if he wasn’t in a relationship, I would want to date him, but if he had been single when I met him, my other friend would have gotten him.  She met him first, you see.  Sometimes I get the feeling they’d rather be hanging out by themselves, that I’m a third wheel.  This is probably a figment of my imagination, but I can’t get it out of my head.  My brain takes me down that dangerous, familiar road… What if they were together when I called them and they both just didn’t pick up their phones?  Everyone always seems to like her more.  She has so many friends.  I almost feel like saying, “you have so many, why not let me just have him for a while, just one out of your collection for a little while?” 

When the two of them don’t pick up their phones at 11 p.m., I have no one else to call.  She’s popular, he’s sweet, and I’m invisible.  I don’t get invited to parties, and I don’t like going to smoke-filled bars, so where does that leave a sad girl on a Saturday night?  In a moment of weakness, I almost called the strange, practically asexual bloke who doesn’t care about me.  I picked up my phone and stared at it for quite a while before I firmly decided not to call him.  If I never suggested hanging out together, it would never happen.  He’s a wreck of a human being sometimes, but he was my only other option tonight.  I was smart enough not to take it, but I’m sad enough to almost regret not taking it.

Why do I have to be so sad about such foolishness?  I’m still awake at 6 a.m., wishing I could drown in my own despair just to escape from it.  No.  Just wishing I didn’t have to feel it anymore.  But I’m keeping both of the promises I made to myself.

It’s too late/early to call anybody.  I’ll continue to quietly disintegrate in my apartment until somebody calls me back or I have to go to class again.  I shouldn’t have watched “Closer” tonight.  It just made me more depressed, and I knew it would, but I’ve been thinking about it for days, and I couldn’t resist watching it instead of doing homework.  Even if I could call someone right now, I probably wouldn’t.  To whom among them could I show this face?  I remain an island in the sea of my grief…

“Andrew:  What do they do to you?
Allison:  They ignore me.”

God, can I die yet?

“Barcelona”

Barcelona where the winds all blew
And the churches don’t have windows but the graveyards do
Me and my shadow are wrestling again
Look out stranger, there’s a dark cloud moving in
But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I’m afraid I am alone
Won’t somebody please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Fly, let me fly, let me fly
Super paranoid, I’m blending, I’m blurring, I’m bleeding into the scenery
Loving someone else is always so much easier
But I hold my self hostage in the morror
But If you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I’m tired of feeling this way
God, won’t you please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Let me fly, let me fly
I won’t be held down, I wont be held back
I will lead with my faith
The red light had been following me
But don’t worry mother
It’s no longer my gravity
hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me fly, let me fly, let me fly

“Fat Boy”

Fat boy goes to the pool
See his reflection, doesn’t know what to do
He feels little inside and filled with pride
Oh, fragile flame
No one sees the same
fat boy goes about his day
Trying to think of funny things to say
Like, “This is just a game I play”
And “I like me this way”
Oh, fragile flame
When no one feels the same
Hush, sleep, don’t think, just eat
You daddy’s little boy
You mama’s pride and joy
You know they love ya
But not because they hold ya
Fat boy says “Wouldn’t it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind”
Oh, fragile flame
Sometimes I feel the same

It occurs to me that I have been partying a LOT lately.  I’ve been drinking at least one night of almost every week since school started, and I’ve gotten myself into some slightly scandalous situations, which really isn’t the norm for me.  I’m the girl who knits and listens to NPR pod-casts, for Pete’s sake.  Maybe I’m just trying to squeeze in some really hard partying before I graduate to make up for how vanilla I was during undergrad.  And I already have plans for Sunday night next weekend because a friend of mine is coming to visit, and I know he’ll want to get drunk or high, or some foolishness like that.  We’re really adults???  I swear I’m really more responsible than this.

 Friday = too scandalous.  I can’t even tell you what happened, so don’t even ask.

Dave’s Sweeney Todd party was last night, and I must say it was pretty awesome.  I was glad to finally see the show, and there was lots of free booze, dancing and air guitar, and good conversation around the fire pit.  Dave’s house is the perfect party venue.

I drove to Shelby today to see the show that Mom and Steve were in, namely Johnny Guitar.  The show was good, and I had no idea my brother could sing that high, considering he’s a bass.  I got roped into helping with strike since I managed to show up for the closing performance, and afterwards a bunch of us went out to dinner at this little Mexican restaurant in town.  My friend Justin, who I hadn’t seen in years, happened to be playing guitar in the show band, and we caught up a bit over dinner.  The last time we hung out properly was during middle school, and lord knows a bunch of shit has happened to both of us since then.

Tomorrow = “V for Vendetta” night with Mr. Gearhart and Ms. Schaller.  Should be pretty fabulous…

Last night was a breath of fresh air after a day of banality.  First I went to see “Across the Universe” with Bree, Meredith, and Nate.  The movie was visually spectacular, and although I’m not a rabid fan of the Beatles, I really enjoyed it.  When Eddie Izzard came on the screen I nearly squealed out loud from surprise and glee.  It’s not every day you run into your favorite British transvestite comedian.  After the movie, the four of us headed to Steak n’ Shake where we had a waitress who must have hit her head on something directly before taking our order, and then again several times.  She had to come back to the table twice after screwing up half the orders, mine included, and then she had to bring someone else to the table so we could tell our order to her because the waitress STILL couldn’t keep it straight.  How fucking hard is it to understand what a plain sandwich is?  Seriously.  Anyway, we still had an awesome time together, and I’m really glad we went out.

 After I dropped the girls off at their cars, I headed over to my other friend’s apartment to watch a movie with him.  I didn’t know if it was going to be awkward or not after what had happened between us previously, but we had a couple of drinks and just chilled and everything was fine.  He made my drinks for me and let me sit in the comfortable chair, bringing in a chair for himself from the kitchen, so that was sweet of him.  And we finally hugged again for the first time since the awkwardness started a week or so ago.  I was starting to wonder if he was actively avoiding touching me, which would have made me sad, but that has been laid to rest.  My new approach is to stay calm, not get my hopes up, and slowly see if things go anywhere.  They probably won’t, but if all it ends up being between us is cuddling on the couch with some drinks and movies, I think I can be okay with that.  I’m trying to get better at being patient and not seeing a potential boyfriend where none exists.  I do get a bit carried away in my imagination sometimes, but I’m improving.

 Anyway, I felt good about life when I left his apartment last night, and I still felt good when I got up today, so after I lazed about for a little while, I decided to go to the mall.  I was on a mission to get some new jeans and at least some portion of my Halloween costume.  Not only did I get a new pair of jeans, I also got several cute tops and everything I’ll need to complete my costume:  some bad-ass shoes, a pattern for my skirt, a cute white shirt and jacket, and my wings and halo, which no self-respecting angel should be without.  When I was trying on clothes, I actually felt pretty hot, which is incredible for me.  I still noticed the flaws, but being able to pick things out that aren’t the biggest size in the store, and trying them on and having them look great on me was so fantastic.  I can’t even explain to you how good it made me feel to not leave the dressing room frustrated.  For a little while, I felt almost so close to bombshell that I could touch it.

And I can’t wait to bust out this Halloween costume!  I’m going to start work on the skirt tomorrow, but I don’t think it should take too long.  I made sure to get a pattern that didn’t require a zipper in order to expedite the construction.  Plus I just don’t like to put in zippers.  I might actually start cutting things out tonight if the spirit moves me.  I probably should do some homework though.  I was going to make an entire dress in the style of Donna Reed, but I decided to see if I could find any prefab pieces, and I found the top half, so I decided to just make a skirt in the interest of time and my sanity.

 This term is absolutely flying by, and I’m trying to buckle down and start looking for third-year internships.  I did my first official online search for jobs yesterday, and I think I’d like to head for either Philadelphia or Washington DC.  Baltimore is a strong possibility as well, and if TCG decides to give Phil Matthews a full-time Communications associate, I would probably move to NYC for that.  Lauren Gamber also showed me a job listings website I’d never seen before, and it looks pretty fantastic.  The search continues…

I went to bed almost cheerful last night, and I woke up the same way this morning.  An incredible feat considering the massive funk I’ve been in for the past week or two.  I got pretty severely depressed for several days, although I remained functional, but last night I went clothes shopping at the mall, came home, and was suddenly and miraculously not sad anymore.  Finally.  I hope this helps my skin clear up.  It has been freaking out because of all the stress and anxiety, and I really wish it would clear up and stop pissing me off.

 I’m starting to kind of spaz about looking for my third-year internship.  That hanging over my head, along with my several interesting/demanding Development projects, regular classwork, and my unflushable ex-boyfriend, is probably not helping my stress level.  And I’m sure the several recent instances of gunfire in my neighborhood aren’t helping either.  I’m fed up with this apartment and this roommate, and I feel like I’m really ready to have a job and a real home again.  I know this apartment is only temporary.  I didn’t really decorate it that much, knowing I’d just have to undo it all when I moved out, and too busy with school to give much of a damn most of the time.  Now, it just seems plain and a little cold.  I’m ready to really be an adult and do it right, hopefully for the last time in at least a decade.  I’m tired of schlepping all my stuff around and having to keep possessions an my parents’ houses because I don’t have room for them in my apartment or the inclination to move them in when I know I’ll just have to move them out again too soon.  Let me be an adult already.

My future is wide open, and it’s slightly paralyzing.  I’m always afraid of making the wrong choice.

But this made me happy…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQJD1ura7G4

I arrived, hardly daring to dream of the possibilities the night held, my heart jumping at the slightest touch.  I had imagined it just this way dozens of times.  We talked, laughed, interacted, and we tested our ground.  A playful tap turned into a rub on the arm, turned into a hug that lingers dangerously close to the edge of intimacy.  I played the calm sweetness that belied my nervous attraction, or tried to.

We relaxed.  I cooked and you made drinks, and it was all very domestic and civilized.  We watched DVDs and crept closer together with every casual shift of position.  We snuggled, sinking comfortably into each other.  I wrapped my arms around you as we stood in the kitchen, my fingers laced behind your neck as I looked into your eyes.  And you leaned in and kissed me.  My heart was pounding.

And so began the gorgeous making out that I wanted to never end.  The way you ran your hands over my body, through my hair, the way you held me to you and kissed me, it was as if you had read my mind.  Sheer perfection.  I get turned on now just thinking about it.  You were assertive and sexy, taking me to bed and undressing me in the velvet dark, my skin on fire.  Your body felt delicious, and we sank into your soft bed.  God.

Later we slept.  I wore your clothes to bed.  When the morning sunlight filtered in and woke me, I smiled to myself.  I hadn’t imagined it all.  I closed my eyes and drifted in semi-consciousness, snuggling up to you in the warm softness of the morning.  Soon you woke, and we lay wrapped in each other’s arms, talking and laughing.  We kissed sweetly.

Reluctantly dragging ourselves from bed, you made us omelettes for breakfast.  We ate and watched the remaining DVDs we had abandoned the night before.  We examined the outrageously conspicuous purple hickey you had inadvertently given me, and I was secretly pleased to have physical evidence of our liaison.  We talked about serious things and the future.  Eventually, you walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.  I was floating.  Over the days to come, I would replay the night in my mind, relishing every touch.

The thrilling affection, wearing your clothes to bed, waking up and lounging in each other’s arms, you cooking me breakfast, it all reminded me of being in a relationship.  It was almost like having a boyfriend and being loved again.  I missed it so much, still miss it.  It felt so incredible that even though we planned to keep it more casual, my imagination ran away with me, and I daydreamed about the possibilities.  How could I know that the one beautiful night and morning would be the only one?  I was too hopeful.

When you said you didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, my instinctive first thought was, “What’s wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong?”  I began my spiral down into an irrational quagmire of depression, second-guessing, and bad self-esteem.  One night I cried so hard and for so long I thought I was going to vomit.

But really, it isn’t your fault.  You only accidentally pointed me down a path I’ve walked so many times before that I know it intimately.  Everything around me conspired to form the perfect storm of angst.

It seems as though all of my friends are getting married or are in serious relationships.  My roommate also happens to be my ex-boyfriend who obliviously showers affection on his new girlfriend right in front of me.  I feel so alone that my irrational emotion takes over, telling me there must be something wrong with me if nobody wants me, which they clearly don’t.  I know these things are horribly irrational and false even as I’m thinking them, but that doesn’t keep the thoughts from slicing into my heart.  The negative feedback loop is established.

My friends hug me and listen to me vent my frustration and despair.  They hold me and reassure me.  They tell me how incredible I am and that any man who doesn’t love me is either an idiot or insane.  My friends are so good to me, and I love them.  They hold me when I can’t hold myself together.

But my crazy train has jumped the tracks.  I am stuck in my depression feedback loop that refuses to be denied.  My chest literally aches with the depth of my loneliness and sadness, but I don’t blame you.  You just happened to be the final ingredient of the latest perfect storm.  *sigh*

Even though you will never want to date me, even though you need lots of alone time and think you will irreparably ruin every relationship, even though you talk a lot and say things that piss people off, I still would make a go of it.  I guess it’s ingrained in my nature to try to fix things, and I hate to give up.  I’ve always thought that if two people like each other, it’s worth giving it a shot no matter how much time they’ll have together or how worried they are that it might end badly.  Having something good for a little while makes more sense to me than never having it at all.  Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, and so forth.

I’m not kidding myself into thinking you and I would last forever.  I just like you, and I thought that you liked me and we could share something fun and interesting for a little while.  Maybe I’m too much of a romantic…

So it’s been an interesting month and a half in NYC/NJ.  The internship continues to be fantastic, and my commute is a bit faster now that Uncle Jim let me borrow a bike for my daily train station run.  My boss is in Montana for some family member’s wedding, and I’ve finished all of my to-do list, so this post is brought to you from TCG headquarters in Manhattan.

 And here comes the drama…

I didn’t realize that I needed to inform my bank that I’d be using my debit card in another area, so after a couple of weeks up here, my debit card stopped working.  The bank had cancelled it, thinking it was stolen, and were sending me a new one, and thanks to the bank’s mail-forwarding policies, I got it about a month later.  At the same time, someone also tried to cash one of those checks the credit card company sends you every so often.  After telling the credit card company that I did NOT authorise a $2,500 check on my account, they told me I had to replace my credit card AGAIN!  I now have my fourth Capitol One card in three months, and it took them about a month to finally get it to me because whichever customer service person filed my Lost or Stolen report didn’t actually send my new card, which I found out three weeks later when I called to see why my card hadn’t arrived yet.  Thankfully, all of that bullshit is taken care of, and both new cards are safely in my possession, but before they got here, I was living off of loans from my aunt and uncle that I paid back as I got my TCG paychecks.  They’re on a Scandinavian cruise right now, about to come back after two and a half weeks, and before they left, they gave me my cousins’ numbers just in case I needed more money while they were gone.  It didn’t come to that, at any rate.

Pretty bad, you say.  But wait, there’s more…

My roommate Raquel said she was sending me a money order to cover her half of the bills and a little back money she owed me when her bank account was “frozen”.  After waiting for it for over three weeks, with several phone calls and such between us, I called her around the end of June to see how she was and let her know about some new bills I had paid and what her share was.  To my great surprise and alarm, her cell phone had been cut off.  This was the only way I had to contact her as we don’t have a land-line at the apartment and I don’t have her e-mail address, relatives’ contact info, etc.  Not fabulously smart on my part, I know, but too late for that.  Not only couldn’t I contact her about the money she owed me for bills, but when I spoke to the real estate company, I found out she hadn’t paid any rent since I left at the end of May.

I proceeded to enlist the help of Wade, one of the only people I knew who was in town during the summer, to go check out the apartment to make sure everything was OK there.  He said everything was still there and intact, and he left a note for Raquel on my behalf, giving her a Friday the 13th deadline to contact me before I took action.  Promptly on the 13th, who did I hear from but Raquel’s “sister” Ashanti, who claimed that Raquel had gotten involved in some sort of fight where shots were fired and somebody got killed.  She told me that they didn’t know when Raquel would be “back”, so the sister would come over and pick up Raquel’s things from the apartment if someone could let her in.  I told her I’d call a friend to let her in, and she gave me a callback number.

 Ok, I think to myself.  I called Wade, who dropped the work he was doing to run to the real estate office and get the key.  Another surprise:  the phone number was wrong.  Wade and I both called several times, but nobody ever picked up, and there was no answering machine.  Go fucking figure.  Wade went over to the apartment anyway to check on it for me, and what do you know, Raquel walks in about twenty minutes later.  She was just stopping by to pick up some things before her drive to Atlanta that night, and said she’d been in New Jersey for a while and had lost her phone.  Wade asked her about the rent and the phone call from Ashanti; she claimed she had given money to her sister to pay the rent when she was out of town, and that she didn’t know who the phone call was from, but it wasn’t her sister.  Wade gave her my cell number again, and asked her for a contact number in Atlanta, which I imagine she gave him reluctantly.  The only reason he didn’t have her call me from his phone was that my phone had died on the commute home, and he had to wait for me to call him back.

So I called her friend’s number a little after the time she said she’d be there… and she wasn’t there.  I called two more times at roughly 45-minute intervals, and she STILL wasn’t there.  Finally, she called me at about 1am.  She gave me all the same mess she had told Wade, and I asked her why she hadn’t just given the money to the real estate company up front instead of to her sister.  She had no answer for that.  She claimed her sister had sent money orders to the real estate company, but either they were mis-labeled, mis-handled, etc. or they never existed in the first place, which seems more likely to me.  I asked her when she would be back in Winston, and she said the 18th, so I gave her until the 25th to be out of the apartment.  Wade’s down there keeping an eye on the place until I can change the locks, and he’ll be moving back in with me once she’s gone.  Is that wise, you ask?  He and I are friends now, strictly platonic, and it will only be for nine or ten months anyway, so I’m not terribly fussed about it.

Really, I won’t rest completely easily until she’s out and the locks are changed, but that’s only a little over a week away, and Wade’s holding down the fort for me, so that makes me feel a little better.

 So commuting and working my internship really have been the easiest part of my life right now.

So obviously I made it to New Jersey safe and sound, although I got a speeding ticket somewhere in Pennsylvania, which sucks.  Memorial Day was spent hanging out with Aunt Betty, Uncle Jim, their kids and grandkids, and a few assorted friends.  We went to a looooong parade and had a cookout in the backyard, which was fun.  I hadn’t seen most of these people since I was 15-years-old, so I’m sure we all look a lot different to each other.

Today was my first day on the job in NYC, so I woke up at 6:30am in order to walk to the train station (1.8 miles away) to catch my 45-minute train ride into the city.  Luckily, Penn Station is about four blocks from my office, so that walk was the easiest part of my commute.  In a state of complete sensory and information overload, I somehow managed to write a press release about the 2007 TCG Awards and study all the literature my boss Phil gave me about Free Night of Theater.  I’m going to be the FNOT point person while we’re at National Conference in Minneapolis, and I have about a week to thoroughly learn everything so I can speak intelligently and answer questions about it.  Tomorrow, I think I’m doing some research for a press conference, so that ought to be interesting, and I’m also going to get my picture taken for my building ID card that doubles as a passkey.  Am I silly for thinking that’s exciting?  Security passkeys always make me feel like I’m involved in some sort of espionage or top secret research.

 I’m also trying to write my final paper for Public Relations class, which is due by 10am on Friday.  I’ve started it, but it’s going veeeeery sloooooowly.  Who wants to write 6-8 pages on what they think about audience development?  Certainly not me.  I’ll work on it tomorrow night after I get home.  Today my brain has been inundated with so much information that I’ve just about run out of juice.

 Pro:  walking to and from the station every day is a good workout

Con:  I end up still being kind of sweaty when I get to work, and at the end of the day I have to walk uphill after I’m already pretty tired.

I’m just glad I successfully made my train transfer, and that my co-workers are all really nice.

I am hanging on a dangling shoestring of consciousness right now.  Having stayed up all night to reset my sleep clock, I was slightly punchy when I arrived at the theatre, morphing into hysterically tired towards the end of the show.  Everything went well there today, even if we were all a bit zombie-ish.  Some randomly funny things happened backstage that really wouldn’t be funny to anyone outside the cast and crew, so I won’t elaborate on those here, although I did get an impromptu striptease from one of my 19-year-olds.  Adam Woolley and I dozed on each other a little bit as we are wont to do.  At one point, I was lying on the floor backstage and he laid down beside me, curling up and putting his head on my stomach.  It was kind of sweet, intimate in that way I crave constantly.  Sometimes you just need someone to touch you to remind you that you still exsist.  In a room full of beautiful actors, it’s easy to feel invisible.

It got me started down a mental path I know deeply in my heart.  How do others see me?  Is it all about some first impression where I tend to try too hard and potentially kill any blossoming interest?  Do they think about me at all when we’re apart?  How much of me do they really see?  Where do I fit into this world?

A girl could go crazy thinking about these things.  Maybe it’s being around all this Romeo & Juliet.  The language has insinuated itself in my subconscious.  Tragic love  *sigh*

Sometime last week, the entire school received an e-mail informing us of a power outage to one side of the campus so Duke Power could repair some damage to the electrical grid.  Because of public safety issues related to the outages, work and classes were cancelled in those buildings from 4am yesterday until 2pm today.  Ok, so no big deal.  I would have missed my classes anyway because of the 10am performance of Romeo & Juliet for groups of high school kids.  What was a pain in the ass was that because the gates on that side campus were closed and had no power, the school buses couldn’t get into the parking lot closest to the theatre, so today’s performance was cancelled.  The cancellation wouldn’t have been such a pain in the ass except that I had to wake up at 6:30am to get ready in time to make my call, and I had already shown up when we got this news.  I mean, somebody could have called me last night or this morning or sent me an e-mail or SOMETHING!

So I’m tired and pissed off at 8am.  I come home, do a little bit of homework, then fall asleep at noon and don’t wake up until 7:45pm.  Oops.  When I check my e-mail, I see two all-school mailings, one anouncing the lock-down of the entire campus, and the other a couple hours later opening it back up again.  Apparently, the power outage was a subterfuge to get students out of that area of campus because of a nearby POLICE ACTION!  Local, state, and campus police, in cooperation with the FBI were busting somebody and/or executing a search warrant REALLY close to campus.  Not really too surprising considering the ghetto projects about 100 yards from campus.

Anyway, I also had an e-mail from my stage manager informing everyone involved with the show that since today’s 10am performance had been cancelled, we would now be adding one on Thursday.  Balls, I say to myself.  Now we have two shows on Thursday, and I am missing an entire week’s worth of Accounting class.  Not that Accounting is a laugh riot by any means, but missing an entire week of anything in grad school can set you back pretty far.  Of course, classes were cancelled today, so I’m really only missing one class, but I’m still irritated about it.  My sleep schedule is royally fucked up since I slept away the middle of my day, and I’ve decided to stay up all night to reset myself.  I’m going to need some help staying awake after the show tomorrow so I won’t be crazy tired all week.  Any takers?  I’m told that I’m very entertaining when I’m disastrously tired.

I did all my homework, so I’m going to kick back with some NPR podcasts and probably some coffee as the morning wears on.  Feel free to give me a call or come see me if you know how to find me.